Misrepresented Or Juz Misinterpreted.

moving.

2008-12-02T12:11:00.003+08:00

i r moving.

site currently under construction.

http://www.emotionalparody.wordpress.com

regrets.

2008-11-30T22:46:00.003+08:00

i just finished reading 2 books in a rare slow sunday for me.
=)

lyin on my bed aching from the 3 hours of bball together with itunes on shuffle,
its been pretty sweet.
=0

speaking of which, iphone.=D
shall be mine at the end of this xmas or by new yr.
=D
having used the iphone for a decent amount of time,
i can tell you im totally sold on its concept.
i might've had doubts but i doubt no more.
=D

the reason for this blog post was cuza line i read in the books.

now im not much into the usual romance/day to day life kinda books.
those of you who know me know im normally buried in a thriller or a war novel,
something with high paced action.

however since i went to the library with my sister,
she picked me 2 books.
which i read..after my 2 thrillers.=D

the 2 books are "Train Man", and "the X'mas Factor".

now i dunno if anyone else has read those books before,
not exactly the most masculine of books,
but there was a line in the X'mas Factor tad really stood out to me.

a brief summary of both books before i get to the line.

In the "Train Man", we have this guy, who is a netizen, basically a no life geek who trolls online forums everyday,talkin about cows tad moo and chickens tad cluck.
and one day on the train, he has a rage fit brought about by this drunkard and becomes a "hero" to the passengers on the train.and when they go make a police report, he passes his address out to the other pple who were witnesses, and a girl sends him cups and a "thank you" note. What follows is basically the development of a typical love story, punctuated by extremely funny netizens posts and graphics tad even had the cynical me laughing.he den blows his savings, and in the end, when he comes clean with the girl tad he has been getting advice online, the girl den says to him "i see that you've been trying really hard".

"X'mas Factor " basically is a blonde book, and has a whole stream of whacky factors coming together to form a situation tad is usually untenable, but by the spirit of X'mas, bonds everyone toget and xmas still is a smiley one.

now the line tad got me thinking abit..

was from the X'mas Factor.

it goes thus :

"i may be a prize berk, but there's one thing i know Nick,old mate. Better to regret things you've done, than regret things you haven't. Get what i mean?"

i just thought i'll share tad line with you guys.

cuz it really helped me along a little.
=)

i guess i regret alot in the past year..
but than again..
regretting tad i did too much..
is better than regretting i didnt do enough i guess.

oh wellz.
20/20 hindsight never makes one feel better.
/shrugs

2008-11-30T13:51:00.033+08:00

yesterday was a pretty sweet day..
though long and tiring.
=)

morning came by really quickly..
i met fysh and we went to play badminton at cckcc.
lol.
=)
caught up over smashing a lil feathered ball across at each other over the net.
andi managed to smash so hard my string snapped.
so therefore i r 1337.
=D

afterwards headed down for dance prac.
the choreography tad i did was well recieved.
so wo0t for that.
=)
hopefully they can learn the steps quickly and watchnite svc performance will be a blast.

after tad was school where i basically vegetated for a good 2 hours cuz i didnt have my notes cuz i just paid my school fees and the material collections place was closed.
i then went home.

dumped my sweatay clothes from dance and badminton..
changed and headed down to meet the guys.

and the photos shall tell the rest of the storiez.

we met in town to just chill out.
den cuz i hadta head to the airport to send my mummy,sister and lil bro off,
we decided to wait for dud to finally reach town and be done with his stuff,
before we hopped into the "armored van" and drove down.

and as usual,
6 guys in a van with good music on and too much time on their hands,
resulted in this being created courtesy of wickmasuriya's markeys and highliters.

and they then decided to plaster if on the inside of my car's windows and scream as loud as they could to attract attention.
so we were at a turning junction next to a bus.o.0
and then.
they managed to attract attention i guess.
HAHAHAAHHHa.
retards.lol.

airport beckoned!!

and when guys go to the airport...
the only viable food option is.........

popeye's!!!
imma popeye da sailor mang!!!
spinach in a can!!!

after eating,
we headed to send my mummy n jie off..
also in the picture is my Godma/Tua Ei(biggest auntie)
this is the happy shot!!!

and den the sad shot=((((

notice that the only pple smiling are the leavers.
=(((
sg ftl plz.

and not content to be left outta the action,
the mariz streetz boyz joined in.

happy shot!

den the sad shot!!=(((
giant is like "ALAMAK WHY WAI WAI WAI WAI!!!!!!!"

and then the inevitable "bully ben" moment.

and since transportation wasnt an issue, and dudley was willing to take a break from study.
i decided to head to a place ive always wanted to bring g at night.
hahaha.now tad we've broken up all these saved up locations to bring her to have a good time suddenly seem less romantic.
but still magical.
=)

this be my fav shot.
everyone's at the side,
and its like they're walking into the future kinda.
=D

the emo shotz seriez.

henceforth i kill kenneth yeo...
and present : Kenny Y.
Instrument : Extendable Flute.

we kill wickermasuriya joshua kane tan shu ya
and present : Wanker T.
Instrument : Black String Beans.

kill ivan loh ming hui..
and present : I Chui.
instrument : Rong Regs.

Aaron Tan no moarrrr
and now Mr T. A. Sye
Instrument : Browing Hairz

no more Dudley Kow,
presenting : Mooooooo..Wah Kow!
instrument : cow tail.

no more Benjamin Ng,
presenting : BeNnG
instrument : armored van

some sights from the barrage at night.
apologize for the lousy quality of shots.
and the skill of the photographer also not to good.
=(
wanted to bring her here to be lomantic as well as let her use her dslr.
hahaha.
=)
oh wellz.
if she had the photos would definitely be 100 x better.

i swear the last pavillion on this bridge will be an ideal make-out spot.
o.0

________________________________
okie back to pple.

giant's sainted dick.
LOLOLOLOLOL.

josh's blackhole like quality

who needs backstreet boyz when mariz streets boyz rule!

3 quick groupie shots.

and more evidence why mariz cant be good thieves.

operation : Steal Mr Droplet
Status : Failed. Caught in action.

night was rounded off in the wee hours of the morning finishing the beer keg at dudders.

to the boyz of mariz streetz.

always remember!!!

YOU ARE THE SEXAYYYYY.

hahah.

hack.

everyone has a lil bit of sexy in them.

_______________________________

on a seperate note...

the song of the day is slightly emo.

its a song played last night over whisky and beer.

and it hit me particularly.

cuz she once told me tad i did too much and lost sight of the main picture.

i cant say whether im wrong or right i guess.

but this song does say why i did it all for i guess.

/shrugs.

enjoy.

bryan adam's everything i do...

i did it for you..

281108

2008-11-27T11:42:00.004+08:00

its more or less been 1 year.
and today would've been our 13 month.
alas things havent worked out.
and i've spent the best part of the last month beating myself up over it.
and as aunty mingli put it, sometimes you don't really have a choice.

this is the song of the day i guess.
im sorry tad you guys have to click it, but imeem doesnt have the track and i cant figure how to get the full song to stream so yup.

=)

enjoy.
it really is a fitting song.
and takes me back to the past 1 month and sums it up really nicely.

the song is robin thicke's cry no more.

sets the tone for my day and my present direction i guess.

my fav song from his album.=)
yet another non-single gem.

enjoy.

________________________________

extracted lyrics from the song tad ring for me..

I took the picture
I faced the truth
I lived a lifetime,
a lifetime with you
Now I watch you fall asleep smiling
And I lie awake

And I am a hero
I'm not made of steel
And I'm not the smartest man
But I know the deal
And I'll bleed for your lips
If you'll bleed for mine
And I can't escape it
Cause I do love you

Ooo so I don't cry,
I don't cry no more
Girl I know you want this
So I don't try, I don't try no more
Girl I know you want this
So I don't lie, I don't lie no more
Girl I know you want this
So I don't cry no more

lol.

2008-11-26T10:56:00.000+08:00

hopes and dreams.

2008-11-25T21:27:00.004+08:00

today's song a lil more emo.
hopefully it makes you guys sit up and take a listen.
=)

the song is Heaven by Jamie Foxx.

i shall go into the lyrics a lil bit lower, but for now lets talk about hopes and dreams.

nirvana and heaven..
both seemingly unattainable things.
places where dreams come true, and you feel contented.

i guess im quite the idealist.
and i have really big dreams and hopes.
all along i've always told myself to dream big and hope even bigger.
cuz how far you set your sights, is how far you will push yourself.
cuz no one cares about your dreams.
they don't care if you do well, you achieve the life you wanna achieve.
so long as it doesnt benefit them in any way,
the average person in your life pretty much won't give a dam.
beyond vocal support.

and it is due to this very nature.
that i believe that one of the things tad most pple hold close and as secretive as possible,
is their very own dreams and hopes.
and sharing tad dreams and hopes only happens with pple tad you trust,you love, and you feel comfortable with.
pple tad you know will not betray you, pple tad will be there to help you reach those goals.
pple tad you believe in.

it is the very nature of the sensitivity of these personal things,
tad makes it such a tender subject to bring up.

and bringing it up.
makes you oh so vulnerable.
to teasing,
to the criticism,
to the ridicule.

have you shared your dreams with a random person in your life.
i highly doubt so.

i was going thru the past year in my head the previous days..
wondering where the hell i screwed up..
and i realize that part of the reason why i found it so hard to let go..
was cuz she really was a dream girl to me.
she's smart, she's beautiful, she's got a sense of humour,
she knew how to tease me, and a poke from her would get a smile on my face.
she would brighten up my day with single sentences, she would accompany me on my days n nights,
keeping this grumpy bear smiling,contented.
and time in her arms were juz heavenly.
and i couldnt be happier nor want anithing else.
all the shit i went thru everyday in camp, or at work, getting shit on by everyone in higher positions, would all fade away when my eyes found her.
and tad wry smile she would gimme as she anticipated the grouchy rant tad was incoming.
hahaha.=) those were perfect days.

P.E.R.F.E.C.T

there's dream number 1.before things changed i guess..hence "was"

dream number 2 was a little more difficult to achieve.
dream number 2 was in line with the chinese idiom " ai wu ji wu"
which to the best of my chinese memory,
means "love house love crow"
and the crow in this instance was her family.
i never felt so at ease with another family before.
be it even my own brothers-from-different-mothers families.
never ever so at ease.
we would go out for meals together..
i can still remember that one night when we drove out..
we went to kallang's shopping center..played arcade...
even her mummy joined in.=)
and then we went over to east coast..
and we walked...
in the darkness,
her sister and her mummy walking slightly ahead..
and with her just slippin her hand into mine...
and just walking along the walkway beside the beach.
=)
amazing.
i dun know anyone other family i tink i would've been able to do that with.

that was dream number 2 realised.

dream number 2 is an in-law family tad i feel at ease with.
a family tad i feel so comfortable,
that extended family dinners are commonplace, insteada the usual once a year reunion dinner.
i dunno if it applies to everyone,
but i've always wished for a close extended family.
like with both sides of my relations,
we ONLY meet during chinese new year and christmas.
i've always wished for a closer extended family.

and tad dream was realised with her family.

and im not being biased.
=)
i've met up with qq's family before..and we've went for meals together..
i could never relax there.

so i do know wad im talking about.
=)

dream number 3 was tad the girl would fit in comfortably with my bros.
and she was amazing.
tad night eating burgers out...
with my beloved timmy there.=)
man that nite was fantastic.
and then the nite of my birthday..
a girl tad would fit right in with these pple i hold dear..
a girl tad would be loved by them too.
hahaha.
i can still remember the comments after tad dinner..=)
still brings a slight warmth to my innards..before the grim reminder that she's someone else's now sends a gusty chill right over it and knocks it right over.
oh wells.

so yup.
there were 3 dreams tad i found in her.=)
at least while it lasted.

i found it highly amusing,
tad when we broke up..
and i was talking to her mummy,
thankin her for taking care of me this past year..
her mummy told me this "don't just disappear. you've become more a part of this family than anyone else has before. even thought she's made her choice, you'll always be welcome here."
she went on "when may(her lil sister) found out, she told me to ask you to be my Godson. cuz she's always wanted a brother. and you're everything tad she could ask for in a brother."

which i found bitterly ironic and brought a tear to my eye, cuz the very thing i was aiming to achieve in winning her family over... i achieved..

and yet i lost the most important person.

sigh.

oh wells.
i do have 1 final gesture for them before i really take my bow outta that particular area in tampines..=)

but yea.
the point of this post in not to remind myself of pain so moving along....

i remember there was 1 night..
it was a saturday night..
and we were chilling in her room, me lying on her beanbag as usual,
and her in her bed..
and we were listening to music as usual.
i LOVED those lazy times.
absolutely.
it felt like a home away from the stress and bustle of the world you know?
but yea.
and that one night..
we talked about our dreams and hopes..
and we made a list of things tad we hoped to achieve together as a couple.
which is one of the things i asked for when we broke.
hahaha.
=)
reason will be revealed when i finally get it.
which by then..
should be xmas time.
=)

31 days to christmas.
=)

okie back to topic..
but yea.

dreams and hopes.
and she's been the closest to being tad person who's had it all.
as close to perfect as anyone has ever been i guess.
hence why its hard for me to just walk on and move away.

i guess while she's been tad 99% dream for me,

i wasnt no where near to being even 50% of her dream guy i guess.
oh wells.
when i started out i already had 3 strikes against me alr.
emo/clingly/possesive.
lol.
pwned.

okie thought of the day " so who would you confide your dreams to. who are the pple you would trust enough. if you have these pple...TREASURE them.tell them today tad you appreciate them."
everyone needs a lil reassurance from time to time.
=)

the song today is a rather simple song.

its a beautiful love song.
and a song i sang to her once too.
in the first few months tad we were toget.=)

personally,
being a family oriented dude like my other weak-assed-bros
a fair portion of my dreams and hopes...
would lie in finding the person i can feel perfectly comfortable around.

the lady tad would make this bit of earth that this grumpy bear walks on....

a little piece of heaven.
and that little angel tad made it all possible.
______________________________

check out lyrics under the link.
______________________________
listening to the lyrics of this song really hits a tender spot.
its like the story of my past year...

Tell me have you heard the story
That took place not long ago
Bout an angel up in heaven
They say she up and ran away from home
Word is she had unfinished business
So back on earth she had to flee
Well you know I'm so elated
Because she's laying right here next to me

when we first heard this song together..she was really right there next to me...

Always dreamed that it would happen
I just didn't know exactly when
All my life I'd been waiting for something amazing
Said it took a while but now I know
So tell me can I get a witness
If you believe in miracles
And the proof I have is living
And my life will never ever be...

always dreamt of finding someone like her, just never thought i would find her now..i have always been waiting in a sense..for this ideal companion..and when i happened..it really felt like a miracle.

At times it seems we take for granted
How precious life can be
Just hold on and I'm sure you'll understand it
Bringing into this world
A precious boy or girl...

when God brings that someone special into your life..don't ever take it for granted..

cuz when tad angel takes flight..

your heaven wont EVER be the same again.

___________________________________

on a seperate note..
a coupla months back..
when baby moved into hall,
after the first month.
when it became evident that she wouldn't have much time to spare for me..
i bought myself a bball!
and started shooting hoops again.

and now 2 months down the line..
i feel like im gettin my old rhythm back.=D
the hang time may not be as long as it used to be..
neither am i jumping as high as i used to..
but i hope if i keep playing i'll lose a lil more weight and jump higher like last time.
=D

today i played bball with a XLB team.
4 on 4.
XLB is like the unofficial nationals tourney.

so imagine this buncha bball dudes..all dam tall..all dam big..
and there's something dam primal about just CHARGIN you ass right into the middle of 4 guys who are taller den you,bigger den you ANNNNNNNDDDDDD

GET THE DAM BALL IN.
HAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH.

i swear there's this primal gorilla/bear within me tad cries for release.

its like box defense..
and only someone as retarded or insane like me would bunny hop right into the middle,
pray to allah tad i dun get flattened,fake here fake there fake here fake there...
praying someone takes the bait and gives me a hole to shoot.

so the ego boosting thing of the day was......

the guy..(i tink he was the captain)..
in any case he was like directing the defense.
and he was like(in chinese.im not about to HYPY the entire thing) "eh watch left..keep the zone steady.. sure can hold them one.."
den things were going well for them..
they were like 10-2 in a race to 17.
den i was like "cb la.all use height and mass to play one."
my team were all their point guards and shooting guards.
so i decided to be an ass.
and start rampaging.
so i started charging right into the middle.
and suddenly the score was 14-15 to us,courtesy of a coupla ridiculous charges into the paint and somehow getting the ball into the net in the midst of 4 wannabe-Giants.
and he was like "eh cb ya'll start watching properly.hold the box.beat one means its next guy pick up.ya'll dunno howta play meh!"
and as he was shouting that, i being my charge in the paint again..and den i fakey here and there..
and den did a fadeaway shot into the hoop.
and den he was like "wah lan eh cb la.how the fuck you defend tad kinda shit.fuck la i boh wei gong already."
den the other 3 guys starting laffing like shit.as well as my team members.
which was dam fun for me.
=)

ego + 1 point.
lol.

its dam good to be back in the zone for at least 1 sport.
=)

its always been a dream of mine for my girl to watch me do something im good at.
and up till today,
there's been 2 occasions tad i felt dam good playing sports.

one was when fish and crystal(i tink) came down to watch my match against tpjc.
during tad match i scored 2 goals.
=)
and it felt really reall good having someone there who you love(fysh pls.not crystal) there to see you excel.
=)

the other time was during hockey too.
where the girls team came down to watch our match.
i tink i scored 3 in tad match.=)
with pple who you actually give a dam about there to watch you play..
just makes you wanna perform better i guess.
pple like jamie and loi.
hahaha.
the 2 pple singularly responsible for my entry into the hocker world.
=D

i've yet to have someone come down to see me play ball tho.
=)
i was hoping tad baby would be tad person..
but oh wellz.
=)
i shall juz keep improving till someone new graces my life again i guess.

but then again..
i dun think i'll ever allow someone to trod so much into my life again i guess.

arms length seems to be the safest.

its amazing how quickly you can lose faith.
sigh.

_________________________________________-
i found this interesting quote from B&P,

"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life. "

do you understand life?

overdue.

2008-11-24T22:51:00.002+08:00

im overdue for a song of the day update i know.
haha.
but been busy like a one-legged man at an ass kicking derby.
will be back most probably tmr.

=)

hopes and dreams.

good luck to baby n dud n all who are having exams.
gambate and study hard!

passing it on.

2008-11-22T22:40:00.007+08:00

every exam day follows the same routine...
i reach home early on fri nite..
take out my books and sit and stare blankly at them.
i then read story books, play com games till i feel a lil better.
den i look at my books.
and den repeat.
den at about 10 i'll go mentally "WTF CCB GG SIT YO ASS DOWN AND STUDY"
and den i'll open my books,flip to a random page,
and den start playing computer again.
o.0

and before i know it.
its already midnight.
and i go "fuck this.go sleep first.i'll wake up early tmr to study before dance"
i'll den set my alarm clock at about 7,8 and den wake up on time.
and somehow i'll convince myself tad i need a good breakfast before studying.
so i'll drive out for breakfast, and then by the time i come back,
its time for a shower and going down for dance prac or school.
and then i'll head down to school early and den "study"
wad normally happens then is that i'll read abit,
jot down notes a bit.
and den start chuggin down coffee and try to stay awake.
invariably i'll den find myself taking 30 mins naps in the study lounge as my brain completely shuts down.

today i set a new record.
i slept a total of 3 and a half hours.
and i took a total of 6 x double espressos.
and i still slept.
o.0
which doesnt bode well for the lack of effect coffee is having on me.
i tink i needta switch to tea soon.

in any case.
all went well and my exam was quite the breeze.
i should be able to maintain my A average.
=D

sweet.
so in this case,
i'm passing this on,
i mean something good happened to me,
so i shall write a happier post.
and hence why the song of the day is switched to something a lil more lifely.

its still a lil emo,
but most of all....

its my favourite yellowcard song.
i love this song with a ridiculous amount of passion.
it brings me back to my jc days,
where screaming yellowcard music in my room with the headphones on was like the coolest thing for a lil emo kid in the grooming.=D

so this is the song of the day.

cigarette by yellowcard.=D

this song is dedicated to the pple in my life who are still happily attached.
reminding them to always give their all to each other.=)
for the idealist in me still believes this truth.

there is no obstacle that love, and 2 pple working together, cannot overcome.

i love the lyrics.

love and cherish the special person in your life aight.=D
if you both believe and truly cherish each other.

its NEVER EVER too late.

__________________________________________

Watching the days burning out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go
You built me up and you broke me down somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now

How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now

And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)

Intoxicated the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time that you blushed the last time my eyes hit your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred, I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down this time

And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now

How can you say

_______________________________

this song was the song that first came to mind.
on the sunday after we broke up.
and i wanted so much to sing this to her.
hoping tad it would change her mind.
but i guess i should've known better.

oh wellz.

its really really beautiful.

and upon hindsight i guess wad i said is true.

love is something meant for two.
and if 1 person ever believes that its too late for something to happen.

den i guess something else negative will happen instead.

amazing lyrics.

in case you pple havent realised,
purple is a color im reserving for lyrics/words tad i wish i could've said/sung to her.
but hum chee boy i guess.
hahaha.=D

enjoy.=D

a simple question.

2008-11-21T22:15:00.002+08:00

warning : emo ahead. if reading the particular rants of a slightly grumpy and (c)hunky bear is not to your interest, please skip or wait for tmr.=D

today was a pretty aight day.
i signed a new contract.
one totally new,no relation to my company before, nor my mother company before.
a company tad i went out,
nurtured the entire client - supplier relationship over many lunches, site visits and long phone calls.

and when the PO came (purchase order, basically like the signature on the form),
i was really elated.
and the first thing i did was reach for my phone,
and den in the all-too-familiar motion, put it down and continued on.
for the person i wanted to msg wasnt mine anymore.
so yup.

i then decided to reward myself,
and decided to do a little shopping.
and since both my running shoes and t-mac 4 broke,
i needed new shoes niwae,
so i went to buy myself a new pair of shoes.=D

so i drove down to queensway, and there i shopped and bought my first ever less-than-$150 pair of basketball shoes.=)
and the reason why i bought em is dam ah beng.
lol.
adidas has a series called the "pro series".
and this particular shoe, has a dam 1337 feature.
it can change the color of its stripes.
WHICH IS DAM DAM DAM DAM COOL LA.
and it has like 20 diff colors to whack.
DAM COOL COOOLL.

okie in any case.
tads not the reason for this blog post.
so yup.
i headed home,
and den i changed and headed to the bball court.

now there's this ritual that happens whenever i play bball.

1)i'll park my car,
2)grab my ball from the box
3)grab water bottle
4)hide wallet and hp
5)lock car doors
6)reach court and throw water bottle down.
7)take off ring and hide it together with my keys. (hagrid r ring keeper)
8)start balling.

now i dun really know the guys at the bball court,
they just know me as the fat dude who has "hang time" and tad i do the most ridiculous shots and i have a dam XL playing style.

the question posed to me today was dam interesting.
it was made by this dude fresh outta ns.
he has an 8 pac btw.
chinese cheena dude.

so he comes up to me n the following ensues.

"eh brudder.tad ring engagement ring ah."

"no la.just a ring between me and my ex girl."

"ex already still wear?expensive not."

"of course la.i so jai why got buy not expensive stuff one.my one 3-pointer you also kenot pei bu qi."

"(insert hokkien swear words about my "skills")"

he then continues.

"eh break alr den why still wear.stupid ah?"

"buy alr den wear la.if not put at home gather dust meh"

now tad more or less sated his curiousity as the game went on.

his parting statement was "eh if you dun wan ring gimme okay. i be your gf"

now coming from the frenly neighbourhood ah beng,
his intentions were probably he just wanted to freeload my ring.

however it left me with a few questions.

of late,
pple keep asking me this question.

"eh..you feeling okay not"

to which i would always reply the same answer just to irritate the shit outta em.

"you wan macho answer or honest answer"

now i tink tad's juz about the most annoying thing a person can do la.and hence my doing it.=DD
but its really true imo.

there are answers tad :

1) you need to hear.
2) you want to hear.
3)you dont want to hear.
4)you don't need to hear.
5)you really wish you hadnt asked the question in the first place.

and me, believing myself to be quite the adriot word twister,
would naturally give the answer tad fits option 1 or 2.

den as i was driving back,
i being asking myself a few questions.
and then i realize.
tad ive been giving myself answers tad i myself need or want to hear as well.
not answers that are necessarily the true honest answers tad i actually require.

and im reminded of "house MD" the series, where bad answers from patients normally screw things up terribly.

and den i wondered "fuck am i gettin the wrong diagnosis for myself sial."

/me has been watching House M.D season 1,2,3,4,5 since the start of Nov.

which left me wondering alot.

now i dun exactly consider myself of stellar mental capacity,
but i've been called stupid so many times in the past 3 weeks.
and this time by stranger.
which is quite infuriating.

lol.
"stupid" to me, is wad "asshole" is to hancock, is wad "crazy" is to his girl.
it totally sets me on my edge, i get fucking pissed off.
i can remember the time when me and g were in our courting stage and we were walking along bugis,
den she said "sometimes i really wonder if you're really stupid or just acting"
/flip switch.

i got dam tulan and black face.
den she was like "what?"
and i was just pushing her forward with "walk.its nothing".
while desperately tryin to get my rage under control.
hahahaha.
tinking about it now brings a smile to my face plz.
lol.
dam cartoon.
she couldnt figure out wad set me off and i didnt tell her cuz its such a trivial thing to me as well, but i cant really control it?
hahahahaha.
see her expression also wanna laugh plz.
as a matter of fact i am grinning like a idiot just thinkin about it.
oh wellz.

but yea.
in the past 3 weeks.
i have been called stupid a RIDICULOUSLY high number of times.

and surprise surprise, its regarding certain decisions ive made, or things i've decided to do.

and it kinda sucks honestly.

makes me wanna take a swing at some pple.
and these pple are those tad i tot WOULD understand.

amogst this list are family members, and really close frens.

to alla you who care.
and to myself too.
just so once and for all i can put this at rest.

tbh i really cant be certain why i made the decisions these ways too.
there might come a day where i'll look back and think "dam tad was really dam stupid"
but why i do wad i do now,
is cuz i think its needed now.
needed by me,or whoever else the decision mite concern or affect.
i mite burn a coupla bridges tad i mite regret later,
but for the time being,
just let me be me i guess.
=)

its not tad hard.
ive been living with quite a few of these regrets in any case.
a few more won't matter.
=)

i've learnt the most important lesson of all already.

so tolong pls stopp using the word "Stupid" around me before i /redrage and pwn your ass.

grumpy bear swipe crits you for 9898798798 dmg. you die.

beware.=D

keke.

2008-11-21T00:00:00.017+08:00

TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADY
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY
BABY GLORIA!!!!!

MAY YOUR BRAINS GET BIGGER,
LEGS GET LONGER,
AND FACE GET PRETTIER PLZ.

woohoo!

go baby!its your birthday!!!
we gonna party like its your birthday!!!

yea with and an exam tmr for the both of us.
phail plz.=(

HAPPY BDAE!!!=D
/hug

______________________________
edit at 2.01pm

the song today is dedicated to josh..
to those who're looking for something.

sometimes we look and search so hard for this elusive thing called love.

when all we really needta do is bid our time and wait patiently.

i can't explain alot of things bro.
nor can i claim to know alot.
i may dispense advice like a pharmacy,
but i can't live my own advice.

but what i can tell you from my grand total of 3 relationships and 7 yrs is that..

love hurts.
and love is.

love is not a rational feeling.
it doesnt make you think.

love is not a logical thing.
it doesnt make sense.

it just happens.
and when it does, grab it and savour it for its worth.

the only thing worse den love lost is regret tad you didnt give it your all.

n the most painful lesson love can give is one tad i've personally juz went thru.

love isnt forever.

it may last a lifetime, but death takes away love for 1 person in any case.

but the cynic in me says, love isnt forever.
so enjoy it whilst it lasts while hoping fervently tad it really lasts a lifetime.=)

preferably she'll die at 100, and you'll die 2 mins later so you wunt hurt that much.
now tad would be ideal.
=D

the song is melee's she's gonna find me here.

and i love the lyrics.

makes the supressed depressed dude within feel slightly better.

____________________________________

you shouldnt have to do all that much.
you should be loved for who you are.
and loved the way you wanna be loved.=D
and when 2 pple do alla that.
den its true love.
imo.

and that's the way you'll find me right here.
patiently waiting for the abovementioned love.

zomg cynic alert.lol.
________________________________
edit at 3.00pm

okie fug the song refuses to stream more den 30s.
if you guys want the full thing gimme a msg i'll send it to you.
=)

its beautiful.=D

Now I don't have to climb the highest mountain
And I don't have to sail the seven seas.
Now I don't have to push myself through desert sands
'Cause she's gonna find me here.

And I don't have to put on all my best clothes
And I don't have to put on a show.
Now I don't have to act like a total stranger
'Cause she's gonna find me here.

When she finally arrives
It will be right on time.
And I'll know that it's real
'Cause the light in her eyes
Will look through and show what a fool I had been
To search far and wide with my heart in my hands.

And I don't have to worry about her
'Cause I know she's fine, now, on her own.
Now can put my mind on things in my own life
'Cause shes gonna find me here.
You know that she's gonna find me here.

And when she finally arrives
It will be right on time.
And I'll know that it's real
'Cause the light in her eyes
Will look through and show what a fool I had been
To search far and wide with my heart in my hands.

Now I don't have to cut up my heart
Into pieces so small
And give them to those who don't care.
Now I don't have to search for one girl
In the depths of my soul
'Cause she's gonna find

You know she's gonna find me here.

n i loved your eyes.
oh well.

okie stop.
its supposed to be for josh so yea.
LISTEN TO THE LYRICS FOO.
okie househ.=)

lub choo long long time.=D
_______________________

fer e less savvy..you savwyyyy???

2008-11-20T14:20:00.003+08:00

i love stfu and wtf.

baguette anyone?

rofl.

a song for us.

2008-11-19T23:58:00.007+08:00

today i shall share a very personal song.
=)

this song was personal cuz it's the first song ive ever sung to a girl.
as in try to serenade a girl kinda singing.
without the aid of any kind of music.
it was kinda like a personal rule for me,
tad i would never ever sing a song for a girl unless i wanted her to be "the one"
and well..i guess musta screwed up in tad estimation and tad first is gone.
lol.

in any case...

the time was a lazy sunday afternoon.

the place was her room,

the company was her..
and she was lazing and half snoozing in my arms when i told her in my studiedly casual voice.."have you heard this song before...?this is the song i wanted to sing you...cuz its really true...and i really think it says alot of things i wanna tell you.."
and she shook her head..and there i took a breath and took tad leap.

and this was wad i sang to her.
still believe in alot of the lines tho.

lauryn hill's - can't take my eyes off you.

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

_______________________________________

wah jialat.

now tad i have the official lyrics.
den i realised how badly i fucked up my version.

my version is as follows.
maybe tads why it didnt work.
lol.

but i tink mine fitted wad i wanted to say loads better..

you're just too good to be true,
can't take my eyes off you,
you feel like heaven to touch,
i wanna hold you so much,
at long last love has arrived,
and i thank God i'm alive,
you're just too good to be true,
can't take my eyes off you.

Caught in the way tad it stands,
there's nothing else to compare,
the sight of you leaves me weak,
there no words left i can speak,
and if you feel like i feel,
please let me know that its real,
you're just too good to be true,
can't take my eyes off you.

i love you baby,
and if its quite alright, i'll need you baby,
thru all my lonely nights, i'll love you baby,
trust in me when i say.....
oh pretty baby,
don't bring me down i pray,
oh pretty baby now tad i found you stay,
and let me love you baby, let me love you....

i really thought i had found the love of a lifetime...
and i really wanted her to believe me when i told her those 3 words...
tad i personally fear the most...
cuz i know from that moment on there's no turning back..at least for me..
and most of alll...
i really wanted her to stay by my side forever...
oh wellz.

__________________________________________

enjoy and stay tuned!
tmr beckons a piano track.=)

and for the record.

BIZ STATS IS SHIT.

in the immortal words of an 13 yr old ranter who had just discovered swearing about....i tink 9 yrs ago..22 -13 = 9..okay correct...

FUCKSHITHATE.

3 perfect words to symbolize my current feelings towards the module.

business stats.

2008-11-19T12:49:00.002+08:00

hate it hate it hate it.
summore im sick with my stupid nose running away like its pants are on fire.
no time to really blog today.

but new song discovered.
an emo song to rival the "im yours" by the script.

i present to you..

storm by lifehouse.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be allright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright
And know everything is allright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be allright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright
And know everything is allright

Everything is allright
Everything is allright

__________________________
hauntingly beautiful song.

the lyrics tad i feel?

If I could just see you
Everything would be allright
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

(for you lit up this dreary world of mine..)

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright
And know everything is allright

(cuz you have the prettiest eyes in a girl ive ever dated...=) and in them i see this thing tad always reassures me that things will always be aight..=))

Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

(cuz i hafta move on..lesser than i was before with you beside me.=) and im had become so used to your being beside me it seems weird and strange now..)

gorgeous song.

broken hearts.

2008-11-18T12:43:00.003+08:00

i as re-reading an earlier post.

http://emotionalparody.blogspot.com/2008/11/truly-smile.html

and i wondered to myself just how much things have changed.
yes dudley.changed.
/disapproving frown.

exactly 1 month ago,
my heart was broken in a way tad i would've never thought possible.
not possible cuz i didnt tink i would ever so earnestly get so emotionally involved with an individual after previous lessons.

but things have moved on beyond the way i would've thought possible.
and bit by bit i find myself moving on i guess.
2 weeks ago,
i asked myself a question.
and i didnt know the answer.

the question was this "even if she wanted us back together right now.would i be willing"

2 weeks ago, the answer was "i really don't know."
yesterday, after finally sleeping properly from exhaustion from many sleepless nights,
i asked myself the same question.

and i finally have a yes or no answer.
and the answer is "no. not right now.not for the forseeable future"

i was driving back from guitar tuition as per normal..
and it hit me full force just how much she's been a huge part of my life.
before we broke, every monday, on the way back from tuition, i would stop at the junction of clementi road, whip out my phone, and gif her a call asking her out for dinner.
=)
and now..
everytime i reach that junction, i reach down for my phone..and den i put it back down and accelerate outta the turning onto the expressway home.
that absence.....it stings...
all the little things tad make a relationship so much more den just a word.=)

sad but things change i guess.=)

druggie asked me a poignant question when i was dealing with my emotions after the initial break up.
and back then,
i gaf the same answer "i honestly don't know"

but now tad i've dealt with my emotions.
i think i can safely blog and not fear that anything i say will undermine who i am in your eyes.

the question was "你是真的很爱她吗??

and now, 1 month later..

the answer is "我真的的确很爱她。"

=)

life moves on.=)

_______________________________
on a seperate note,
ive decided to make my blog into sumthing like a music blog.
=)
song of the day widget is making life interesting.
come check in for your music fix daily.
hahahaha.
i promise jo0 nice song.=D

memoriez

2008-11-17T10:31:00.004+08:00

this is like eons ago la.
iirc it was '05.
the painful growing up yrs.
hahaha.
its kinda cute but yet painful to watch.
i remember really being dam scared shitless and trembling like a fool during the entire performance.lol.holding onto the mike so i wouldnt like start shaking like i'm having seizure.
rofl.
the decibel meter to measure the crowd's response..lol.novel way of deciding winners.lol.
we won by about 2 decibels iirc.
narrow margin of victory.
lol.
but winning this thing..the celebration afterwards...
this kinda things you don't easily forget.
hahaha.

really remembering and seeing how much ive changed as a person and a performer.
=D

but the reason why i dug this vid out and edited it..
is cuz of the song.
hahaha.
WHY ELSE RITE!
o.0

song of the day.=D
check out the widget it changes too!!!!
r 1337.

Here without you - 3 Doors down.
A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

___________________________________
that being said,
there are always certain lines tad make me wanna listen to it over and over again cuz it speaks to me...its kinda like how i feel every night..if i go to bed sober and emo..

But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
_________________________________

its quite ironic that only when you're feeling shitty do this kinda songs make sense.lol.

__________________________________

just came back from the dentist.
and my freaking video still hasnt fully loaded up. /swear.

i was driving back in the rain.
and i swear driving in the rain is therapeutic.
makes you feel so much more laid back about stuff.

went to go polish my teeth.
now i swear my teeth hate me.
its like they purposely require all this high expense treatment just to stay in place.
most pple have like 1 or 2 wisdom teeth tad come out at an angle.
i have ALL FOUR growing at an angle.
which means basically im pretty much screwed in the sense of wisdom teeth.
probably explains my stupidity.
llollollol.

i have something else to say, but i'll get back to work and be back later at night before blogging it.
2 entries in 1 morning is a bit of a stretch.=D

oh yea and i forgot a mention for sat's nite party.
Thank God for the weather.

there were but 2 things i was worried about.
the weather which has been dam erratic at its best in the past few days.
and the other was whether or not she'll actually show up.

thank goodness both turned out in favour.=D

__________________________________
on another note...

i feel the realisation of another dream close at hand.
=D
lets keep working things out josh and giant.
lets really go make sure we go.=D

and slowly the list of things will dwindle.
im mostly going by memory at the moment, but wad i can remember i shall strive to do.
with the passing of last weekend, tad's one down too.=D

truly smile.

2008-11-17T09:12:00.006+08:00

i was thinking about happiness and sadness on my walk around my estate last nite.
its quite interesting how these 2 words are often mistaken,misused,misrepresented.

obviously right now im feeling sad and all,
but den i told myself to move the fuck along,
and tried to remember when was the last time i was truly happy and smiled.

not the smile that comes from amusement,
not the one tad comes when someone tickles your funny bone.
its the one you smile to yourself, secretly in your own corner as you savour tad moment,
cheekily chuckling within, a smile tad's both pleased with yourself, and with the way things are at that very moment in your life, where you're satisfied, wanting nothing more in the world, and you absolutely at the moment cant for the life of you, think of anything else you might want.

thats the smile im talking about.

so i tried remembering the last time i felt truly happy and smiled tad smile.

and since she's been such a major part of my life in the past yr, chances are of course that i'll involve her i guess.

the last time i felt so afloat on clouds so puffy light,
was slightly less then a year ago..
4 days before christmas...
i had booked outta camp,
and went over for dinner and the usual chill out time..
and we had dinner etc and etc..
and den we were both quite tired, me from ns nonsense and her from her school,
and i was laid out on the beanbag on the floor snoozing.
and den i felt something snuggle into the crook of my arm,opened one eye,and lo and behold!

my very own radiant angel.
(HAHAHA DAM CLICHE)

but yea.
=)
and as i lay there on the beanbag with her snoozing on my chest and watching her sleep(which she hates),just stroking her hair and listening to her breathing...i guess there's where i last smiled a truly happy smile.despite both our weariness, outta darkness does love sprout i guess.hahaha.

a smile tad was private tad even she didnt know,
a smile tad was cheeky cuz she didnt know i was looking and thought i was asleep too,
a smile tad was savoured as i treasured the moment for its worth,
a smile tad was smiled in the corner,
a smile tad was contented with the way everything is,
a smile tad was certain that it didnt need anithing else in the world.

a truly happy smile.

when was the last time YOU smiled a truly happy smile.
=)

i know just remembering this brightened up my night last nite tremendously.

and even as i typed this, it brightened up my day loads already.
suddenly business stats doesnt seem like such a bitch.
=)

remember your last truly happy smile.=)
hope it brings a cheer to your day like it did mine.=)

not one born of cheer,
nor born of the absence of fear,
one born of pure joy and delight,
one tad's radiant at the sight,

one that lights up one's face,
as one is slowly amazed,
at one's good fortune,
amidst the cloudy haze.

one tad seems to stretch from ear to ear,
one tad thrives in the absence of fear,
one tad makes you wish will never pass,
one tad makes your heart beat really fast,

one that makes you warm from deep within,
one tad fill your core with what has been,
a warmth tad covers you like your beloved blanky,
the smile...that is truly happy.

_________________________________________
on a side note..
just read your entry josh.
/hug.
lol.
mai depressed too plz nigga.
1 sad person is already 1 too many.=D
smileeeeeeee.
i love jo0 long long timeee

lan yan lan.

2008-11-16T17:38:00.004+08:00

1337 song for jo0z.

i have decided to link a thingamajig to my blog tad basically allows a mini player to play out the song tad im currently emoing to.=)
look at the right!
wheeeeeeeeeeeee...
OKIE PRESS THE PLAY BUTTON BEFORE MOVING DOWN.

and today's track is.....

lan yan lan...by eric clapton.=)

enjoy.

i tink its beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifuuuuuuuuuuuuuul.

lan yan lan

I thought that you'd be loving me.
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever.
But now forevers come and gone
And Im still here alone.

Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue.

Oh, I never should have trusted you.
I thought that I'd be all you need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heavens gone away
And Im out in the cold.
Cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie.

Guess I couldnt see it,
I guess I couldnt see it till I saw goodbye.

Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.
It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you.

Oh, I never should have trusted you.have trusted you.

___________________________________
i love the whole feel of the song .

take a listen.
its but 1 mere click away.
its really beautiful.
despite the lyrics being slightly angsty,
the music is strangly mellow.
and i loved the lines..

i thought tad you'd be loving me,
i thought tad you'd be the one who'll stay forever..
but now forever's come and gone,
and im still here alone.

In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heavens gone away
And Im out in the cold.
Cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie.

heart wrenchingly beautiful.=)

____________________________________

i find it pretty amusing.
tad im going thru such a rapid see saw of feeling.
when it comes in a downer,
i really get dam affected.
but elsewise im fine.

its the 2nd time in a month ive been unable to sleep.
i spend last night walking around downstairs after coming home,
looking up at the stars to olivia ong on my ipod.

step by step i guess im finally leaving it behind and moving on.
cuz honestly there's nothing left for me to hold on.
its kinda like trying to climb up a 90 degree wall with no handholds.
there used to be handholds in the shape of your hands.
but now they arent there anymore.
and sometimes as someone once told me.."you really don't have a choice in the matter"
and hence.
/shrugs.

life trudges on in its mindless drudgery.

its quite amusing how many different opinions i get from different pple,
those who are close to us and those not.
everyone professes to know something the other doesnt, and gives me this "trust me i know wad im talking about look"
and i'm like "waddafyck"
cuz all opinions are divided.
but ive more or less decided tad i'll trust in the one person i chose to believe in.
no point in me doubting now right?
lol.
after all i would've trusted this person with everything and anything.

oh wellz.

anyone knows howta do business stats.
im pretty much fycked.
being emo and walking outta lectures is definitely not good for your module.
lol.
jialat.
i tink this sem my A average is gonna be fucking hard hit.
gg++.

closure?

2008-11-16T03:22:00.003+08:00

so the party was a success.
=)

thanks josh,dud,giant,sab for coming down and helping out.

thanks mingli and the other friends for making her night bright.

thanks to family for helping out with the food.

_____________________________________________
i wanna thank you too.
=)
for coming,
and lightin up my life for this brief few hours.
i thank you for the talk we had.
and i thank you for telling me how you felt.
if nothing,it made me understand more.
_____________________________________________

its bitterly ironic,
that in front of the ones you want to understand your emotions the most,
you always put on a brave front.
holding you in my arms was brief ecstacy.
touching my lips to your hair was a momentary memory.
the price to pay, was never really letting you know how i feel.
for tad brief moment was the price too steep?
narh.i dun think so.
life goes on i guess.
so after tad few moments,
as i drove back,
i wound down my window,
and i found myself shouting out at God.
just shouting "why?".shouting myself hoarse in pain.crying bitterly with snot streaming out my nose.(UNGLAM FTW PLZ NIGGAZ)
that love was lost even before it was lost just made it worse.
and you didnt even tell me about it so we could've worked things out.
i did too much...perhaps if you told me slack a lil i could've?
and things could've worked out?
20/20 hindsight.
lol.
so much pain.so much regret.so much sorrow and anguish.
anguish.
now tads a word not commonly bandied around.
but anguish is what i feel.
for there's a seething wound tad has festered and needs to be bound.
and its gonna leave a fucking huge scar and i doubt i'll ever be the same person again.

but doesnt matter i guess.
crux of the matter is tad i live.
or so the doctors always say.

im not gonna blog much about the way i feel now anymore.
it'll just make you more convinced tad i havent given up on you.
which isnt too far from the truth.
maybe wen you get married to some dude den i'll gif up.
kekeke.

in any case.
i resolved to write something.
and write it i shall.

_____________________________________

an ode...to my baby.. (part 1.unedited.)

________________________________

fuck man im never gona cry over a girl.
ever again.

this seriously fucking sucks.
as in absolute pits.
fuck all this love shit man.
its really a fucked up game for fools.

and i guess im one of the bigger ones at the moment.
was it foolish to love you.
nope.
was it foolish to love you so much.
nope.
was it foolish to want to do more to make me love you more.
i would've said nope.but now it seems it might've been the problem.
which is fucking bitterly ironic and just makes me wanna kill myself.

/swear.
okie im gonna cry myself to sleep and pray i dun wake my bro up.
this is dam jialat.

to be continued tmr when hopefully im not so emo.

remembering.

2008-11-13T19:05:00.002+08:00

a little more den a year ago,
this song found itself a way to me.
now a little more den a year later,
i find myself wishin it was true.
went back to my old pc outside to find this track.
hahaha.=)
such an emo nemo.

____________________________________

jennifer paige's - get to me.
Don't misread the silence
And take my distance as a sign
There's only one heart that's confused
And it's most likely mine

I always make the rules
And I change 'em all the time
Always stayed a step ahead
'Til you looked into my eyes
My thoughts are frozen
Can't you hear me screaming inside
As you come closer
Don't know where to run this time

(CHORUS)
I feel weak, I'm never weak
I always know what to say
Don't look at me, I can't speak
How did you get to me this way?
All I know is what I feel
And what I feel is way too real
Who I am is what you see
Baby how did you ever get to me
ever get to me, ever get to me

It could be so easy
If you'd make just one mistake
Then I won't feel the way I do
And I'll say it's fate
But this emotion
I keep tryin' to leave behind
Keeps getting closer
Don't know where to run this time
___________________________________________

hmmm.i guess i made the mistake.
kekeke.

on a happier thought, i saw MADAGASCAR ALR!!!!
WOOT.

i wish i was melman tho.
=)

for the reason?
watch the show.
its terribly bad pun.
hahahaha.

2008-11-13T13:21:00.002+08:00

42 days to xmas.
=)
despite the fact tad i mite not be in sg to celebrate much of it.
its still cause for something to remember.
=)
xmases are always amazing.
its like this rain that washes away everything.
giving new hope to life.

i was driving in the rain just now.
and this popped up into my head.

windscreen wipers are like the sands of time,
ceaselessly washing everything away.
into the corner of your mind,
never forgotten but always with thine.

would you look upon the spaces we shared,
miss me and remember the times we had?
would you listen to the songs we sung,
with your head upon my chest.

white christmas-es may come and go,
and many more would then follow,
but till the end of certain strokes in time,
silence would rule this patch of my mind.

ITS CHRISTMAS SOON ZOMG WHEEEEE

sorry its ingrained into me to love christmases.
its really ftfw.
=DDDDD

im dreeeeeaaaamin...
of a whiiiiite christmassssss...
just like the ones before....=)

wtb snow in sg.
bleah.
=DDDDDDD

flat tyre.

2008-11-12T21:50:00.003+08:00

i had a singularly interesting experience.
i was on my way home aft buyin stuff in anticipation for this sat,
and my tyre blew on out me.
and it was raining like shit and the road was slippery and i was semi speeding at about 90?thereabouts.
surprisingly.
i didnt really go into shock, i was like "CHECK BLIND SPOT (insert multiple f words)" as i filtered all the way to the breakdown lane.
now considering that my tyres are pretty much new, i was more then a little peeved.
and since it was raining dam heavily,
i was like "fuck should i call the rescue pple or should i just fix this shit myself."
den i thought " aiya fuck la.you want car, you gotta deal with all the shit yourself too man"
so okay, i opened the door and headed out in the rain.
instantly drenched and dripping.
(insert multiple curse words at stamford tyres for giving me defective tyres)
so since this a relatively new car for me, ive never really taken out the spare tyre before,and since i was just back from shopping my entire backseat was filled to the brim.
so thinking it was like any normal civilian car where the tyre is below the false bottom, i started moving everything infront till it was filled to the brim, den i started removing the false bottom,
den i hit shitsky 1.
i couldnt unhook the thing.
as i analysed the nut more, i realized i needed an allen key.
den i thought "fuck.they cant be tad retarded to expect everyone to bring an allen key with them, confirm wadever is needed for the spare tyre is in the kit."
so i angsted summore, and told myself to calm down.
and seriously considered calling for help.

so there i was, in heavy rain, with a broken down car,
feeling like a dumbfuck cuz i had a spare tyre and didnt know how to get to it,
and cars were speeding by me on my left.

and wad does my brilliant mind come up with?

"wah fuck sial. machiam like channel 8 drama. now all i need is a girl to come by, pick me up and bring me home for hot chocolate."

and den reality set in again as the rain got even heavier.

i then decided to consult my car manual to figure out how to take out the dam tyre.

and i found out that fiat ingeniusly decided to hide the latch tad locks the tyre in position UNDER the fucking car.
they obviously didnt consider that you don't really wanna get down on your fuckin hands and knees in the fucking rain on gravel and asphalt and search blindly for a latch tad you needta use the dam nut tool to loosen before the latch would come free.

so short story shortened,
after much cursing and swearing, the tyre was out.
and i was pretty much elated and pleased with myself.
i mean.
"HEY MAN I CAN DO THIS SHIT NIGGA!"
so i rolled it to the spot and started jacking up the car.
now i dunno if anyone else has played with that dam tool before,
but its my third time already,
and jacking that mutha up is no fucking joke.
even tho its made simpler with the tool, its still fucking hard to jack the car all the way up.
so i was sweating,and sneezing cuz the rain was chilling me like shit,
and i was pretty dam sure im gonna get a cold tmr,
and then when the car was high enuf, and i tried to loosen the nuts and bolts, i realized that i couldnt.
cuz when the mechanics tightened the nuts, they used the dam pneumatic thingamajig tad zips it dam tight.
and everytime i tried to jack the nut, the entire tyre would turn as well.
kept tryin, cuz after spending so much time in the fucking rain already, i might as well give it all i got before giving up and wasting all the effort.
so i thought up of this, i lowered my entire car back down,tearfully i might add cuz tinking of jacking it up again later was enuf to make allah cry.
den since the entire weight of the car was on the tyre, it couldnt turn.
i den locked the tool on the nut, and den i stood on it.
and bounceed..and bounced summore...
and finally it gave.

repeat x 4.

repeat jacking car up. (insert lotsa cursing)

finally got the tyre in, crawled in the under carriage to fix the dam tyre back in the replacement slot,tightened the latch again, and moved everything into the backseats, and then drove off feeling pretty dam good about myself.

wad this experience has taught me.

anything that you think is worth doing, should be done to the best of your ability.
it dont matter wad your purposes are. in this case was it ego?wanting to save money?not wanting to trouble my parents?not wanting to concede this responsibility?
wadever.
it was worth doing.
and thus it was to be done with all i had.

and i realize this mentality follows me in alot of places.
in a rship, i always throw myself in with single minded determination to make sure its as perfect as can be. and sometimes in this single minded pursuit, i lose sight of wad it really is, a bond between 2 pple.
and instead of building and enjoying that bond, i make it into something oppressive, more responsibility den emotion and enjoyment.
i guess tads just a little extreme and needsta be tuned back, but wad im gettin to is that it is worth it and should be given everything i got.
there should be nothing held back.
tad's wad love should be i guess.

tads wad anything worth doing in your opinion should be done by you i guess.
single minded pursuit BUT without losing sight of wad its all about.
kinda like no point chasing after the car but not knowing wad to do once you caught up with it.

oh wellz.

time to think of how im gonna swear tmr at stamford tyres.
=D

time to relay the shit down 1 more level.

oh yea imma bitch.=D

_____________________---
okay wow this post was quite random.
dunno how the hell did the lsson come about.
i sure didnt think about it during the rain.
its amazing how sittin in front of the computer instantly puts you into bullshit mode so you can throw out multiple smoke bombs machiam its your assignment.
so much bullshit just to explain a busted tyre.

kewl..

i wanna watch madagascar 2.
=D
any takers.

things change

2008-11-12T09:09:00.004+08:00

but life still goes on.

its been 2 days since i had a very interesting talk with someone.

i guess deep down i knew all along,
but just that i didnt wanna accept it.
but i guess i have to now.

/shrugs.
its just disappointing i guess.

and lamenting wouldnt get me anywhere.

i can only regret and regret and regret and not much else.

oh wells.
but then again, was i not only being true to myself?

been meeting up with mates for lunches and movies.thanks fellas.=)
helpsta take the mind off things.
/love ++.

emo song of the past few days has been....都是你 by 光良.
just seems fitting.=)

誰,改變了我的世界
沒有方向, 沒有日夜
我看著天,這一刻在想你
是否會對我一樣思念

你,曾說我們有一個夢
等到那天,我們來實現
我望著天,在心中默默念
下一秒,你出現在眼前

想念的心,裝滿的都是你
我的鋼琴,彈奏的都是你
我的日記,寫滿的都是你的名
才發現,又另一個黎明

very very very fitting.lol.

o.0

2008-11-09T22:53:00.005+08:00

i nearly forgot the most important thing i wanted to boast about.

in a bid to take my mind off things and be busy, i decided to make myself and the guys something we can bring about and enjoy.

BEHOLD THE GREAT GUY ENTERTAINER!!!!

/cue audience gasps / applause

my latest 1337 item,

a poker set to call my own,assembled and put together using daiso items and other stuff.

4 x sets of chips, 1 x set of cards,

and.......

4 x shot glasses to make it MERRIERRRRRRRRR BAYBEHHH.

cant wait to use it.=0

乡情

2008-11-09T20:59:00.027+08:00

i was clearing up my room,
preparing for my lil bro's moving in,
and to prevent myself from losing precious memories,
i started searching out treasured lil bits,and hurriedly went to the top cupboard to search for my lil green box.
and this time,
i decided to indulge myself in a little nostalgia,
and hence the lil photo strip below.

featured below are things i find particularly inclined to share,
just opening up a bit of my lil green lockbox.
each of these means alot to me.=)
hence the fact tad i actually bother to keep em properly.

me wen i was ginnahpi.

i see jo0, you see me? WHY YOU TAKE PHOTO O ME I CALL MUMMY!!/bawl.

me in my cutest every photo, with snot coming down from my nose.

check out the phat ghetto colors man.i was representing right wen i was a kid.=D

and then the legendary years

the lost and found photos of the day tad persists thru out history.

taken at at some ungodly hour in the morning, look out the window its still pitch dark.

i asked to be in school early this day due to the fact tad we were gonna parade about in our TEAM XL jerseys.=)

and the amazing thing as all present would tell you, was that i had a smile on my face despite it being dam early.=)

now tad's like a gold find in a shitpile.

tads how rare tad is.

kekek.

the infamous "do us from the back shot - together with giant's barely make - able out on the white board "TEAM XL"

representing da Team of brothers tad never stopped loving.=)

and then came the brief period of time where i was really involved with church stuff,

on stage performing as lead in church dance.

den came this thankfully brief period in my life which lessons i have learnt and stuck in my head.but am extremely thankful for. reason is in the next photo.

cuz in the process of these period, i met a singular young individual, who would change my life significantly about 5 yrs down the road. the first thing she ever gave me. excluding the bite on the back tad i STILL insist i have scars off.=)

she made this for my bdae.

while i met her, i was in jc, and who can forget the class....okie the first of 2 classes.=P

and it was here tad i met a great amazing brother.

who remains a brother still today.

and then i joined hockey cuza loi. which turned out to be the most "RIGHT" thing i did in jc.

for the full story of why its cuza loi,look no further den me being dam chikopek and her legs when i was walking to school one day behind her.she happened to be carrying a hockey stick.lol.

but yes, the glory team.

argueable the one of the proudest days in my life when this prize presentation ceremony came about. there have been many other occasions where i have won gold and silver medals, but this still counts as one of the best.

and then the 2nd class. as i ingloriously retained.

the first 3 months pple,

followed by the more permanent few

and thruout the 3 yrs, the treasured friends made and kept.

DRUGGIE WE NEED A PIC TOGETHER.

loi too plz.o.0

moving on,

and during that last yr of my jc life, i was blessed by a beautiful young thing who spent a pretty sweet coupla months in my life.

and during these times, certain frenships became stronger and cemented in time.

and from the foundation of this friendship did something else sprout, where the girl who entered my life a good 6 yrs ago, became the main feature in my life.

for a time at least.

/sigh.

OKIE NO EMO FUCK NO EMO.

/screams to self.

sigh.

o.0

and lastly,

how certain things will never change.

"pretty eyes wickermasuriya joshua kane tan will always be the gay target of the team,"

and brothers never die.

the end.

and just becuz im such an emo kid and i love my new chinese program,and just simply cuz this is my blog and thus i can,

EMO inc.

每个人都有一个不能够过的限度，
每个人都有一个不能克服的弱点，
我的弱点就是我不能控制我感受，
但就是那个感受才让我活的感受。

okie thankfully brief eh.

lol.

okie time to continue cleaning up my room.

change.

2008-11-09T09:15:00.002+08:00

i finally acknowledge that something's changed within,
something's different from what it has always been,
above the sound of music blaring heartbreak themes,
i recognize the signs for what they seem.

change is brought about by many things,
some within your control,some by other means,
there are things tad make you smile and sing,
and things that leave you dry and cracked within.

ive experienced it at its best,
and i was confident it'll stand the test,
ive experienced it at its low,
and was struck a silent but heavy blow,
now i experience it when its gone,
and only now realize wad's it like to be alone.

i cant understand why its so different this time,
maybe its all a jumble within my mind,
why's everything so unfamiliar n unkind,
when everything n where i step seems to remind.

lives interwined briefly for a moment in time and space,
now wen gone seems to have left me in a daze,
and despite me wanting to push forward and confidently face,
and somehow i never seem to be able to find a steady pace.

_____________

hmm.
as typing that i was ripping my old cds.
and i came across a cd given to me by someone..
like wad seems a lifetime ago.
and together with that cd, came a little note.

and den again i remember the rship tad i still have the most regrets.
lol.
okie no mood to blog alr.

sometimes i feel like quite the fuckup.

okie no more emo.
breakfast and games.
gogogo.

unlikely sources

2008-11-07T21:46:00.002+08:00

hmm.
its kinda weird for me to type in chinese.

but i had this moment just now whilst watching out beloved jack neo's im not stupid 2.
and yea.
since im on a recent emo chinese song fest,

this song really got to me.
i tink i might have mussed up the HYPY dam bad,

but more or less it should be correct.

everyone needs hope.
and i think i've found something tad i want to do already.

hopefully it'll work and im not just shitting myself once again.

the song.
每个人都要有梦想，
有了梦想就有希望，
每个人都要有梦想，
因为梦想就是力量。

梦想就像心中的太阳，
让世界振放光辉。
梦想就是生命的方向，
引导我们勇敢探所前方。

confused.

2008-11-06T22:08:00.002+08:00

the sayin goes "be careful wad you wish for"

and i find myself rueing that now.
i wanted to know tad no matter wad did, nothing would change, and i wanted so badly to accept that.
and now i can safely say tad i have accepted?
hahaha i really dunno.
and its really quite amusing.

i really am dam confused.

i havent really sat down and analyzed everything im feeling.

i keep telling myself all these things.

and den..somethine comes along,
and then i react.
and den i find out the hard way tad all this things ive been telling myself..?
they're all shit.
it isnt true if i react the way i do.
or isit just a knee jerk reaction?
i mean.
tad sudden feeling like the world turned upside down on you..wad does it mean honestly?

i used to love bloggin cuz it gave me time and space to think thru my thoughts.
but i serisouly cant seem to get my head around on this one.

i really dunno wad to think anymore.
and all i really wish for is to honestly know how i/you feel.
and accept it.

accept.
i guess i have alot of trouble accepting.
i was so ready to accept.
and den i got threw off balance.
and i fucked myself up majorly.
and now i have 1 more thing to regret.
sigh.

i really dunno la.
something's really changed in me in the recent times.
and im no longer thinkin straight already.

wishing somethin was real,doesnt make it reality.
but when tad hope collapses, then wad next?

i was talkin to someone this afternoon.
and tbh this person really gave me alot of things to be cheery about,
motivated me when i was feeling down.
and yea i guess after last nite's stupid reaction,
ive pretty much burnt tad bridge as well.

the cold bastard side of me says "yea good.now you can finally give it up"
but the softy says "shit dude.wtf did you do."
and i honestly dunno.

it was like this red haze descended on my vision when i read those words.
and this insane rage popped its ugly head.
ive never lost control like that before.
if i hadta rank this on a horrific scale,
i would rank it near to a 9/10.

and if i had to rank my disgust at myself now on a scale?
it would be 10/10.

im moving on day after day, cuz life goes on.
but i dun wake up smiling already.

there's a line i read once sumwhere.

and i think it really rings true here.

cuz wen i heard your voice today, it really took my breath away. and suddenly i felt this release within me.like the walls of a dam letting a lil loose?

you to me are like christmas morning.

does it make sense that i want you back so badly,
but at the same time i wanna push you as far away as possible so i don't hurt anymore?

you know.
i was up at 4 this morning.
and at the precise time.
half a world away,
a beloved needed someone to talk to.
and i guess God's hand brought me awake?
cuz i could be there for her.
sometimes things work out for the best.
sometimes they don't.
sometimes you can work to tip the odds in your favour,
and hopefully your puny insignificant contributions to the overall scheme of things actually matters in the grand cosmic play of the universe and then tip the universal scale of balance in your favour.

i belong to a school of thought,
which says that when you tell someone about something intimate.
when you share,
you gif a part of yourself to that person.
which is why i dun really have that much friends.
cuz after my childhood experiences, i dun really trust easily.
and i thank God tad ive found so many brothers who love me like family.
in the inverse..ive extremely few female friends.
like less den 1 hand kinda number.
in a huge contrast to my supposedly "bigbadassbuaya/flirt" persona.
which i couldnt be more unlike.

the reason is extremely simple.
its kinda like a bigdumbassenglishmancastle of old?
1 x huge mutha big walls, but inside 0 defenses.
gettin over the mutha big wall is impossible unless the drawbridge is let down and you're invited in.
and once's you're invited in,you're family.
and all that is left is the inner sanctum.
and ironically,
you could go where no one else can,
you brought me to places tad no one else did before.

i honestly....
really am speechless..

if this was supposed to help me sort out my emotions.
its not working.
sigh.
time to combat arms.
mindless automaton am i.
for now.

ironic.

2008-11-06T08:26:00.002+08:00

just 24 hours ago.
whilst sitting at this very same table.
this song was on repeat.

翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜

看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我

就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是
你受伤的藉口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走请你记得我
如果难过请
你忘了我

cute eh.and then there was this song ive been avoiding for the longest time.

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
睡著的大提琴　安靜的舊舊的

我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道　你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我　也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪　
我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份　
包容你也接受他
不用擔心的太多　
我會一直好好過
你已經遠遠離開　
我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你

我真的沒有天份　
安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你　
是因為我太愛你

omg so much chinese.
o.0

"situation's reversed."
anyway i tink of it,
it returns to the assumption tad its you wanting him and him being cautious.
tad being the case.
den i sincerely hope he takes care of you better den i can and loves you more.

as the song suggests.

after last nite.

i questioned myself wad am i doing this for.
alot of pple tell me imma fool.
tad i dunno when to let go.
i would beg to differ.
i would say i CHOSE when to let go.
certain things are done for reasons.
why i put myself thru this has its own reasons too.
and sometimes keeping it to myself beats saying it out and lettin others berate me for the exacting reason i choose to do it.

so call me a fool,
call me silly.
as i professed before.
stubborn and extremely blockheaded i am.

within myself probably lies a sadistic streak,
and now i begin to allow myself to indulge in nihilism.

all im hoping for now is that i get the stuff i asked for.
technically.
i dun think it means anithin to you now already.
so please do entertain me this time?

and the clock's run dry.

2008-11-06T04:51:00.003+08:00

okie im not definitely more coherent den i was about 8 hours ago.
hmmm.
chuggin down half a bottle of booze in about 30 mins is DEFINITELY not healthy, but it does help you forget everything and just sleep.
problem is that it doesnt really last long and i dunno why the flyin fuck im awaake at 452 am in the godforsaken morning and the pain hasnt abated one bit.
as the sayin goes, you cant run from your problems, so you just hafta face up to them.

lessons ive learnt in the past 24 hours.

1) never chug down alcohol like i did.

after massively puking like i dunno..6?7? times?
i can tell you tad drinking tad kinda alchohol in such a short time and not moving and basically sitting at your computer and emoing does........absolutely nothing for one's well being.
on the other hand,
it gets you to sleep,
which is decent enough, considering the alternative where i basically lie down in bed and hurt.
so technically, drinking the booze in fine since it gets you wasted enough so you can sleep quickly and painlessly.
the question now is how MUCH booze to drink i think.

2) karma/fate/God/destiny/

cruel.

at this point in time.

im pretty much certain, tad some point or rather in my life,
i musta fucked up royally.
i honestly cant figure why the hell this always keeps happening to me.
and tbh im really dam tired of it happening already.
obama won his white house chair based on the words : Hope & Change.
i tink more or less wad im feeling right now is the anti-thesis of these very words.

its really like de javu all over again.
the time frame since the break is just about right,
the emotions are just about right,if nothing,less betrayal but more hurt.
the way i found out is the same,
the words are about the same,
and the knee jerk reaction by me is definitely the same.
considering that i was already intending to put all this in place,
i guess the only difference is that this time im slightly more prepared i guess.
prepared for wad i dunno.
prepared for the inevitable?

i remember telling those pple tad gave me hope,
tad it would happen, and happen soon,
and trieda convince myself tad "heyyyy...maybe they're right..i mean..to me it stood for something, why not to her?"
despite outwardly saying the things i hoped fervently wouldnt happen but tried to protect myself from its eventuality.
if there was a way i didnt wanna be proved right,

this would've been it.

maybe its just hall.
i remembering saying at the start,
that no rship with 1 person in hall can last.
maybe im the one who put a curse on this rship.
was i preparing us for the required extra effort to make it work?
or did i in tad one statement condemn us forever.
was i being cautious as usual,covering all the angles, or did i in my pessimism destroy the very thing tad meant so much to me.

i was telling the guys when hall first started.
and i was raging about it.
why.
cuz i honestly believe tad hall basically takes a person and changes them into something else.
peer pressure is a whole another force in hall.
added to that, you spend basically 24 hours of your life with pple.
and if situations demand it, you can spend an entire day with a single person in the name of work.
and then, if you continously spend soo much time with a person, your emotions get muddled and you lose sight of the overall view.
you get to spend nights with particular pple, all that time.going out for suppers, sittin in each other's room on each other's beds, etc etc etc.let your imagination run wild./shrugs.
i remember my sister telling me tad if you spend so much time with a person, you sure "fa shen shi qing one" and i was like "nah.it wouldnt happen here."
haha.there are many ways to be proven wrong, and honestly this is/was not way i wanted to be proven.

maybe this is just sour grapes talking, but honestly this is how i feel and its been said in the past, so please dun hold it against me.
if anithing,this is the knee-jerk to this infomation i guess.

my sister asked me a terribly poignant question the other day in car.
and now i can finally say i know the answer already.

i honestly know not wad im feeling now.
its like a cold ball of liquid nitrogen sittin the depths of my tummy, and someone's pressing a dull heated plate against my heart.
i dunno to be happy tad you've moved on so happily,
or to angry tad you did.
dunno if i should feel like hating you,
wen i still love you terribly.

but now i know one thing is true.

and its tad you dont love me anymore.

/shrugs.

3) never get attached to anyone who's in hall.

probably the MOST important lesson and painful one learnt over the past few yrs.

never again.
prob sunk into my thick as hell skull by now.

i honestly feel like quite the fool.

but who can blame you i guess.

the world is your oyster.
=)

as the lyrics of anjing go.

ringing so true.and painfully.

i've been avoiding listening to that chinese cd in my car for the longest time becuz i would be reminded of you.
and now i have no more reason to avoid it.
i guess i can just listen to it, sing it and cry to myself.
=)

best of luck i guess.
im pretty sure there's a inner part of me tad sincerely hopes you'll find wad you're lookin for.
and that whatever you KNOW you arent lookin for, he doesnt have.

and the truth of it prob is tad i cant bring myself to hate you.
cuz i still love you.
lol.
fucking idiot r i.
i guess the word to accurately describe myself now is cuckold.

de javu

2008-11-05T20:06:00.004+08:00

as im typing this,
ive got my beloved rock glass an inch away from my left hand, my ages old bottle of vodka citron tad i intend to finish tonite, and a bottle of vanilla coke within reach.

im extremely certain,
tad sumwhere in my past, or in my previous life,

i must have FUCKED up majorly.

there's no way else i can understand why the same thing hasta happen twice.

i mean paranoia exists for a reason right?

so going by my paranoia,
i should've seen this coming.
was i blind to it?
or did i just choose to disbelieve it and have faith.

its de javu all over again.
and i really hafta ask myself where the hell i fucked up.

okie uim gonna halfa continuer this another day.

hella drunk.

/cheer for red bull and cranberry juice.
qheeeee.
and tyhe lil bita redbulls.
kekekeke.

no need to reinvent e wheel.

2008-11-03T22:16:00.003+08:00

sometimes,wen driving,
a certain song comes from the background into your conscious notice.
and sometimes the lyrics do the talking.
and you juz nod. becuz you know wad it means.

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

No!You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be a part of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
Always be my baby

omgawd.

2008-11-02T19:04:00.000+08:00

LOTHUAN HAS BEEN REVAMPED.

IT HAZ SARBWAY AND PAPPER LUNZ.

/<3

senses impending weight gain.

/drool

uncried tears.

2008-11-02T03:37:00.005+08:00

the past 2 nights have been something to remember.

barely 2 nights ago,
mid afternoon,
after viewing something,
i was ravaged within, like something went inside of me with sharp claws and had a frenzy of slashes drawn across the sensitive regions of my emotions.
i called out for my bros.

and thank goodness they answered.

fri nite,
one by one, late as they might have been,
these very same pple who have accompanied me since secondary school foolishness all the way to the days of today,
walked towards me, the black man, the huge man and the round man.
from boys to man we have become i guess.
we sat down at carl's junior,
eating the same burgers we ate, as i just silently remembered the last time i was in the very same restaurant, eating the same burger, sitting in the same booth, drinking the same drinks, and just talking about everything under the sun.
afterwhich, to the music of some mambo, we drove across the bridge, to the little island called sentosa, and found our way to tanjong beach.

there we did one of the things ive always wanted to do since i got my wheels.
we drove up to the edge of the sand, popped the back, reversed the sofa and sat there and danced to the music of mambo.
pple in halloween get-ups strolled past, cheering at us, the buncha crazy fools, having a party we didnt have to pay for, didnt have to drink to get high, i would even go as far as to say they were envious of the fun we were having.
when pitch darkness approached, and upon 4 beach chairs we were sprawled out on, bit by bit, i began to understand, began to accept.
i looked out the stars above, and i saw for the first time in my life,

a shooting star..

and i wished a wish i never thought i would've wished just 24 hours before.

one that after i wished,shocked me.

i guess there are times in life you really surprise yourself.

a few hours ago,
i was sitting at another beach chair, right next to dud's pool,
raggae in the background, booze flowing fine, but i couldnt touch a drop cuz i was driving.
and again, i saw another shooting star.
considering that ive never seen a shooting star in my life,
to see 2 in the span of 24 hours was quite something.

and in the past 48 hours.
ive heard so much,and i tink now i have enuf to make a decision of my own.

from the slightly optimistic:

"wad's yours will always be yours"
"somehow i know there will come a day i'll taste your cooking.im dam sure of that"(i wish i had that kinda confidence)
"it'll take a miracle but i believe in miracles,don't you?"(suddenly im gettin lessons in faith from a non christian.rofl)

to the negative :

"for someone to put it that bluntly, you should know wad to expect"
"the sea is big, and there are many fish, you just need to find your nemo"

in the past 48 hours,

i've been on such a radical emotional roller coaster im quite amazed im still calm enuf to type this.
but realizations is quite cool.
i realized something.
tad i've been tinking too much.
the decisions tad ive been debating for so long.

have already been made.
and ive already been living the solution.

the wheels of life continue grinding on, in constant motion, and the pain and tears are but the wear & tear and the lubrication for one's life to move on.

the choices have been made.
and this line came ringing into my head:

"if you don't begin living for yourself, dun expect anyone to come and take an interest in living a life with you".

and thus, ive begun making plans.

plans tad once belonged in a private place, i've unstashed, and begun to live them again.

life has once again sprung from the darkness of despair. and like the first leaf falling to signal the changin of seasons, i thank you my bros, for just being there.

thank you for propping my chin up, so that i could see eye to eye with the world.
thank you for being there, so that the loneliness wouldnt eat at me.
thank you for being happy and high, tad i realized that happiness is where you find it and make of it.

despite it all, i cant help feeling that im settling for 2nd best.
for this is definitely not the ideal.
the ideal being something like wad giant and dudley possess, a partner tad can share every single joyous/unhappy moment with, someone to go thru all of life's experiences with.
i guess i am a little envious.
but at the same time, i would comfort myself with believing that someday,somehow, someone would come into my life again, someone who would become the permanent angel of my life.

i now look forward to bangkok shopping,wakeboarding in batam and performing/choreographing a dance for new yr's svc in church.

bit by bit life pushes on, never letting you dwell too long in the present.

just like a man struggling towards warmer land from artic regions, i am cold, and i r numb. and the chill bites at me relentlessly. but i press on knowing that to continue living in the memory of a shelter tad doesnt exist anymore would mean overexposure and death, i press on to keep warm and alive, till the next haven appears or i regain wad ive lost.

in the meanwhile.
the uncried tears built up behind the scenes again.
i realize its dam gay for a guy to actually cry over a girl, but oh wells.special pple are worth breaking traditions for right?keke.if you dont think so, stfu and piss off.
but yea.
i guess more or less things have been settled within already.

im sorry that i might not be able to hold true to everything ive promised you.
nor might i be able to take your advice with regards to certain stuff.

but my fears will not go away. and just like the decisions i wanted to make but had already been made, my inner self has reacted and tbh i dun really wish to change things.

i took the leap of faith and now even more then before, will certain things be raised higher.

_______________________________________________

on a more fatalistic note,

i was reading the papers the other day,

apparently female adultery is on the rise.

iirc,
ten yrs ago,
1 in ten males would be involved in extra marital rships.
1 in 20 females would be involved in extra marital rships.

now,
2 in 10 males would be involved,
1.5 in 10 females would be involved in extra marital rships.

puttin that into context,

me,giant,dudley,kenn,josh - 1 of us would be cheating on our spouse.
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,g,i,j -1 of them would be cheating on one of us.

now how's that for shaking one's faith in the concept of marriage and love eh.

empowered women are supposedly blamed for this statistic.

its interesting how this debate pans out and honestly i could spend the next few hours here just tryin to work this post out, but i cbf-ed, so yea.

all i can say is that trust is earned i guess.and once lost, is not as easily regained.

someone once told me.

tears are God's way of telling you that you live and feel.
they wash away the grime tad collects upon you from day to day.

and i know that ive got lotsa uncried tears tad needta be let loose soon.

wtb a shoulder to cry on.
lol.

fucking sad and emo pls.
but den again, i believe its necessary.
ive tried to keep myself under control, but as with the Fed crisis,
this measure is just raising the levee walls, sooner or later its gonna overflow, and when that happens i'll be truly and completely tipped apart.
and only thru this overflowing, will the floodwaters abate.

so yup.
/shrugs.

my bed calls to me.

13 days.
a new countdown has begun.
_________________________________________

on a happier note,

happy 22nd birthday dudley!!!

love you long LONG TIMEEEEEEEEEE.

2gether 4ever and never to partttttttt....(insert cmi mambo actions here)

buay tong?

2008-10-31T16:39:00.002+08:00

buay tong buay tong buay tong.

/shrugs.

this is seriously getting old.

on a higher note.

1 step closer to accomplishing things.

on another step.

painful.

/shrugs.

it'll be over soon.

"keep busy keep busy"

needta keep chanting tad mantra in my head.
if im not doing anithing,i needta be sleeping.

witout a plan.

2008-10-31T08:22:00.003+08:00

for a good part of my life,
i've always had my path planned out.
where i am, where i go from here, wad i do if this or that happens.
i dun like being surprised, much less being unprepared for things.
i like things to be all thought out,so that wadever happens, i can deal with it.

and now im stymied.

cuz i have no clue how to deal with this right now.

last nite.

for the first time in as long as i can remember, i had a good dream.
a dream tad left me smiling as my alarm went off and i kept snoozing to try ta prolong the moment.
normally this kinda dreams would leave me scrambling to find my phone to sms the person in question which the dream was about to share the moment and i'll smile my way off to work insteada the normal grumpy catatonic state that i get ready for the morning jams.

this morning.
when i woke, i reached for the phone. and stopped.
and insteada smiling as i head to the toilet..

i had this sudden wrenchin feeling within again.
the day started worse than when i had nightmares.
cuz a nightmare has become a reality.

this is the situation tad im totally unprepared for.
for that matter.some idiot highlighted to me tad maybe this is wad real love is.(/hug the idiot)
the same foo insisted tad the previously thought out rships i had were so calculated, i didnt leave anything to chance, no room for randomness,impulsiveness.
which might have been the case, and might not have as well.

we were trying to find the underlying reason behind why i cant seem to distance myself enuf.

and i realised something.

i was prepared for the breakup.
i just wasnt prepared for wad came after.

the self realization that someone could mean more to you den you are aware of, scores 10% in the imbalance-ben-chart(IBC).
the continued doing of things tad would've made sense when we were together but not tad we're not is ridiculous, another 10% in the IBC.
the hating oneself for agreeing that night, another 10%.
the emotional heart wrenching, 5% outta a possible 10%. i was prepared in a way,juz not prepared for this much.
the confusion within, another 10%.
not knowing where im headed right now, outta 50%, a full 50%.

yay tads my first A* in a long time.

its just weird i guess.
suddenly i find my life not so balanced,
like something's missing.

ive got a plan tho.
how effective it might be remains to be seen.
involves a whole mix of "move on and forget remedies" from pple close to me..
quite interesting to actually know how all these pple whom i hold dear actually move on.
ive never had to resort to any of these methods before,simply becuz there never was a need to have to.
seems like there might be a need now.
its really a whole lotta firsts eh.
sigh.

the scary part is that i might hafta admit to myself, that i dun wanna give up.
have no desire to.cuz the feeling still remains.

for now,
im gonna pretend like it all is as it was before.

and enjoy smiling at the "10 mins more...10 mins more..dun disturb..PLEASE OKAY 5 MINS K PLZ."

2 songs in my head.

hole in the world - eagles.
heal me im heartsick - no vacancy.

amusing as hell.

2008-10-23T21:43:00.004+08:00

this is sumthin i found.=)

funny as hell for the first read.

________________________-
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
‘If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.’

________________________________________

also found...

a christmas present PERFECT for someone special.=)

http://inventorspot.com/articles/killing_time_with_alarming_gun_oclock_18531

check tad shit out.

its yours btw.
i'll hang it on a wall about 2 metres away from you,
judging by your accuracy at the bball game..
by the time you snooze it, you'll be awake alr.
HAHAHAHAHA.

soon as i can figure howta order it.
=D
i'll prob buy one for myself also.
just to ego tad i shoot dam well.
KEKEK

unique conversations.

2008-10-22T08:30:00.002+08:00

yest was a study in contradictions.

2 meals with very singularly different pple.

i had lunch with someone i only met slightly more then a year ago..
and we talked about things.
and her words..
well..it really touched me..
as well as nearly cracked this new shell im erecting around myself.
when i started, i had all these in mind already.
as in final point objectives..
but to hear her say it..
so frankly and without the slightest bit of discomfort and knowing that acceptance had already been won and to them i was considered a member of the family..
well..
it really touched me i guess..
i didnt expect to have succeeded to this extent..
but im pleased i guess.
that she trusted me enough.. for a lot..
even to the point of having plans for us.
hahaha.
/chuckle.
amazing stuff.
=)

its always nice to have pple believe in you.
even better when you mentally know its someone important in the general scheme of things,
and that with this kinda support..you sumtimes feel you can fly.=)

supper was with zy.
as usual..it was kinda like back to ns days..

"eh cb.tah ping ai mai"

"dun wan la.busy.studying."

"okie bai"

5 mins later as i get into the car....

"eh where you now"

"about to drive home lo.wai"

"eh lai lai teh ping"

"k call you wen im nearing your place"

props to him for really pursuing his music dreams.
at least he's pushing in like mad.=)
and we just chatted i guess.

_______________________________
okie im gonna stop here.

i just saw something tad just made me emo like fuck.

ive been watching that space for a really long time.
hoping and hoping.
tad it wouldnt change for at least a while more.

yea tad did pierce the shell.

painful.

2008-10-20T09:04:00.003+08:00

i never thought it would hurt this much.

not at all.

i knew i loved you.
perhaps even more den anyone previously.
but not till this point.

but then again.
realisation is too late isnt it.

i told myself a long time ago, that i would never allow myself to regret something like that again.

but now all i feel is regret.

regret that i allowed the headiness of the moment to get away from me.
that night was supposed to be a night for us to work out things.
instead i lost you.
instead of getting stronger in our love, i lost it entirely.

i really never expected this.

and i guess that's just the way things go.
in this game that we played.
it can swing anyway, any time i guess.

i just wish the loss didnt hurt so much.
tad your tone and words now wouldnt seem like lances piercing right thru me.
that i didnt feel like a fool for tryin.

and for once i find myself unable to numb myself to wad im feeling.

i find myself creating delusions for myself so i can deal with things better.
and then smashing them apart a few minutes later for i know the truth.
for i dun like deluding myself.

the icy cold

it sweeps across the open plains,
claiming all it passes as its domain,
and where it goes it leaves a trail,
the mark of a hunter on its kill.

it shows no mercy nor emotion,
its a force in constant motion,
one that touches and casts in stone,
everything it touches it calls its own.

it has the power to stop time in its place,
to hold wounds open in time and space,
to stop teardrops from rolling down,
to freeze the eyebrows before the frown.

okie fuck this
zero inspiration and i really cant continue.

summed up.

pain.

pure and unadulterated.

tears.

slow and warm.

the empty feeling inside.

ever present and constantly stabbing.

i didnt think i'll hurt so much.
to hafta let you go.
i never thought you would be the one that'll i'll end up crying over.
more then i have ever done before. never ever before so long, so often.
simple cuz i knew you right from the start and i knew wad to expect.
but why are the tears falling.
more then ever before.
i find myself with tears brimming at the most random of times,
with this aching loss that extends beyond the heart and mind.
i never thought i would reach a state of being attached where i would lose sleep over another.
and for 2 nights now ive laid in my bed tinking about us and all that is lost.

(on the flipside, do you know why pillows have 2 sides? 1 side's for you to wet with your tears, and the other is for you when you tink you are able to go back to sleep. so its cry,stop,flip,tryta sleep,about to cry,flip,cry.cry finish,flip,tryta sleep..you get the idea.:D i r brilliant.=D)

can i block it out?
yes i can.

do i wish to block it out?
nope.

why?
because it tells me how much i really did love you.
and if it hurts so much. it only means tad for that period of time,
it really was perfect and right. in every meaning of the word love.
did we cheapen the word at any point in time in our relationship?
nope.
i tink we did pretty aight.=)

building a mystery, living the fantasy.

2008-10-17T08:51:00.002+08:00

i was listening to sarah's building a mystery the other day.
from her greatest hits album.
and i was reminded of a post i made a while ago.

there's no denying that life is hard.
and that at certain times, the truth is a little hard to take.
amd what i believe happens is that our body tries to compensate, and starts telling ourselves certain things.

like "its gonna be fine", "things will work out in the end"

sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but they get you thru the day.

but wad happens when you actually start believing all this stuff.
that is untrue, and is just basically your way of dealing with things, or rather, NOT dealing with things.

truths tad are like "everything's okay wad", "what's wrong"

things that were once a matter of concern, suddenly become non-important, becuz you've dismissed them so many times already.
i believe thats when things start to happen.

im the sorta person that believes that problems do not resolve themselves.
there's a window of time available to resolve it.
and when that window passes, the problem becomes non-consequential anymore.
it does not resolve itself, it just passes becuz the consequence is a foregone conclusion.
and sometimes by deluding ourselves this way, we dont notice that we might have actually missed out something else. This foregone conclusion could've been adverted, could've been explored and we might have preferred it over the choice that by guidance of this avoidance we made. Is the grass greener over the other side?
i dun really subscribe to that theory.
I would prefer to go see the grass on both sides, before making my decision on where to swing..
opportunities come and go in flashes.

sometimes its juz there, asking to be grabbed, but you arent around. and perhaps, that little moment might have enriched something in your own life. But you would never find out.

i often wonder if i take things for granted. whether becuz im so safe and secure, i like to compare and see the grass on the other side. but then again, sometimes i wonder if its juz human to want the best of both worlds.

i'm in a state right now where im pretty much emotionless.
i dun wanna feel, becuz if i do, i would just slip further into unhappiness and the lonely isle of self depression.
i dunno how i reached this state, or why im in this stage right now.
as a matter of fact, here's some self delusion evident right here and now.
i do know actually.
but i dun wish to confront it..
cuz i know that confronting it wouldnt help the situation.
in fact, it might even make things worse.
or would it?

by deluding myself that i dunt know,
i wouldn't ever find out.
and to be honest, this lil bit of self-delusion, is all that's keeping me afloat at the moment.

im tired beyond words,
tired of being alone.

im singing songs tad i would've never sang before,
just becuz the a line in the lyrics make sense at the moment.
while i keep silent, in the words of alv, "who's there for me".

there are just times where you wish there was that someone there to just hold you and tell you everything's gonna be fine.
times where you feel amazingly alone despite being surrounded by pple.

who fills you up.

who warms you from the insides.

i have my 1 person.

do you?

food for thought.

hope

2008-10-12T08:42:00.002+08:00

you know,
i guess like everyone else.
there's something tad drives you on.
the something tad motivates you to push on in spite of everything.
the x factor that allows you to stand tall despite of everything.

i guess mine is hope.
hope that things can be the way i would love them to be.
hope tad i can make a difference.
hope tad i can matter.
hope tad for a better life,
hope for a better future.
hope for dreams to be achieved.

and i guess the reason why im so ffuckin depressed now.

is just that ive lost hope.

the smile.

the smile is one that covers a frown,
the fake expresssion when one is down,
the archin of corners of simple line,
makes everyone think that all is fine.

when the world blinks and turns away,
no one cares nor attention they will pay,
to the smile which then will quickly dim,
replaced by a straight line an emotionless scene.

who would care to see beyond the smile,
smile means you haf no reason to frown,
who would care to go beneath the surface,
when all you wanna accept is upon one's face.

when the reason for living suddenly fades away,
old dreams are shattered and pale in grey,
what's pushing you on this very day,
what makes you"aye" or makes you "nay"

do the similiar standards still apply,
or have they by virtue modified,
cuz while the reason for giving hasnt changed,
the drive behind the giving suddenly cant be regained.

the genuinely happy curving lips,
the eyes tad twinkle as the laugh lines dip,
its been a long time since they've seen the light,
much as the owner think he's losing the fight.

sometimes you wonder if its all meaningless.
cuz the reason for pushing is still in nothingness.

sigh okay slipping into depressions mode.
fuck this.
basketball work and school.
bball work and school.

focus.

2008-10-12T00:14:00.004+08:00

i was blog hoppin the other day.
and i saw this line.

about how a particular person had an influence on the blogger.
and how the blogger didnt like it.

and i realise.
tad im not much better.

and i should be stiffening myself up?

fuck i dunno.
talking about it really doesnt help.
kinda just builds the exasperation and frustration up.
(thanks josh and dud for listening tho)

maybe im juz physically and mentally tired.
maybe all i need is sleep.
yea sleep.
nite.

there was this post i read:

"im feeling really happy.
kinda looking forward to every new day.
are you lookin forward to tmr?"

and tbh,
when i asked myself tad question.

i'm not lookin forward to tmr.

and im not happy.

quite the opposite i guess.

but like all battles that rage within myself. its a silent battle tad the victor is still ultimately the loser.

fuck all this emo shit.

its really not helping.

nite.

the age old weariness.

2008-10-11T21:27:00.005+08:00

i feel like im going thru a phrase.
one that definitely is not the best for me.

something tad would drive me into a state where i would be amazingly silent and depressed until i find a good enuf reason to not be.

hmm.

i was looking for an old song title thru my old smses.

me being the sentimental sucker,

i have quite a shitload of smses saved.

and along the way,

i just read a few of the more interesting ones.

and suddenly, this pang kinda shot thru me.

one reflected not much long later by slightly moist eyes.

and i really know not wad to feel or say.

looking back at the tones, the words, the overall feel.

i cant help but feel dismayed.

has so much changed?

why is everything so different now.

sigh.

and the only consolation is that the past will never again become the present, and all tad lies ahead is the future and wad you make of it.

but what if that is never enuf.

sigh.

its the age old weariness.

the slump of the shoulders.
the unsmiling lips.
the smile, albeit one frought with tiredness and resignation.

where did it all go.

when did the change happen.

was i the cause of it all?

am i the reason for the present situation?

did i by some means or methods, screw myself up by removing the very elements i loved.

sigh this isnt gettin me anywhere.

accounting time.

im such a terribly emo fucker i swear.
sigh.

pensieve

2008-10-08T20:37:00.002+08:00

someone once asked me this :

"if you didnt know something with regards to a certain person, and if knowing would make you extremely unhappy, would you still want to know?"

i told the bro :

"yes"

and ive never regretted knowing.

in that instant, lots came clear and tho it hurt like a s.o.b when i first heard that, went thru the usual denial and all before admittin to myself that it was most probably true, knowing was infinitely better den not knowing.

im an extremely jealous person.
as my baby would gladly tell anyone who would listen,
as well as being an uber emo kid.

im prone to rage fits, that i'll most of the time regret within the next half hour and spent the next 3 days apologising to whoever was that unfortunate soul who took the brunt of it(which of late has been my baby.=((((((((()

but despite it all.

i think tad knowledge of truth, the situation as it is, is extremely important.

im the sort that believes that while i dun need a minute by minute breakdown o your day, i would still like to know the vague points so at least i know whats going on in the person's life.

i mean.
its all about communication and the little things that keep you 2 together and moving on hand in hand rite?

i mean..if you have no clue, wads the difference between you guys and a pair of strangers.

hmmm.
but then again.
my extremely idealistic views again.hahaha.
which many are terrified of.

i guess i am the idealist.

cynic on the outside,
ultimate idealist on the inside.

damn im such a mess of contradictions.
lol.
okie this isnt helping my accountin assignment one bit.

ciao

freaky dreams

2008-10-08T10:19:00.004+08:00

for some reason.
im getting more and more prone to nightmares.

last night i slept at 2 am.

within the 4 hours to morning wakefulness,

i had like consecutive nightmares.

the first was me driving a lambo.
going thru a corner at 170km/h, and nearly flipping over.
whilst tad was just thrills, the next was a lot freakier.
the next corner was taken at 250km/h and my car did flip over.
and for some reason, i was driving with my family and my baby in the lambo.
now my mind realised tad lambos are 2 seaters in any case, but my lambo had room for 6 pple./shrugs.
den it flipped over like those kinda movie scenes where it zooms out and flip flip flip flip flip flip den booooooooom!

den i was with josh and the rest and palying bball, and then they suddenly could jump dam high and could do slam dunks. so everyone was dunking, when the hoop's rim became a slicer and started slicing them to ribbons.
o.0

den next i was having dinner with fysh and alv and they were eating shitload of muffins,
den i realised the muffins had like this glazed coating on them and i was like "shit is that melamine" and they were like "yea man. ftw" and continued chomping.
o.0

den i woke up thak God to my baby's msg and tad one ended prematurely.

den i next dreamt about something alot darker which i shall not post.
suffice to say it was a tornado of paper.
o.0

stupid subconscious mind was determined to annihilate all the pple i hold dear to me in like 1 night i swear.

weird ass hell dreams.
/growl.

thank God for morning alarms.

but then again its dreams like this,

tad leave you awake,

and when you wake,

you thank God.

Thank God for keeping each and everyone tad you hold dear to yourself,

still here with you this very day.

happiness.

2008-10-08T08:22:00.002+08:00

i watched a movie a while back.
will smith movie.
had it on my com for the longest time but i forgot about it.
only realised i had it when i was backing up all my data.

the pursuit of happyness.

true life story of how someone from the streets can still make it big.
but i somehow i felt that the main reason behind his motivation, the thing tad drove him on, was his son.

and that leads me to this here melacholy post.

is it just me, or does happiness require more then just yourself.

in light of recent events, i realised something,

by yourself, you are content.

with another, you are happy.

happy is not a solo performance.

what is happiness to me.
what is content to me.

content is having my own mode of transportation.
happiness is having my baby sitting next to me in my car.

content is a book and no one to disturb me.
happiness is reading a book next to my baby.

content is walking along the beach and enjoying the wind in your hair.
happiness is walking along the beach with my baby swinging our hands and spamming nonsense at each other.

content is knowing i live in a home.(not house, home)
happiness is building a home of my own.

content is knowing im loved.
happiness is feeling loved.

content is knowing you have cash n time for the next meal.
happiness is knowing having tad meal with my baby.

content is knowing.
happiness is feeling.

the saying goes behind every man lies a woman.

i just believe it simplified = behind every person must be a motivation.

be it happiness,
be it satisfaction, be it,glory,fame and fortune.

every road leading to a goal requires work, sacrifice and time.

i think ive chosen my primary goal to be happy.
life's too short to be sian.
God knows i spent too many years of my life being that.

ordering the above into personal perspective,

happiness,satisfaction, fortune. screw glory and fame, im not good looking enuf for either. realistic ftw.

/shrugs.

i often wonder if im falling into a whole new kinda fatalism/cycnicism phase.

there's a line from a LP song.

"i become so numb, i cant feel you there,"

are you numb to how you feel?

food for thought.

results.

2008-10-03T08:45:00.003+08:00

bleah.
only got a B+ for my marketing module.
but considering that there were only 3 As in a class of about 60.
and only 4 B+s its aight i guess.
still amongst the top 10 students.
bleah.
i was hoping to maintain a A average.
oh wellz.

on a second note.
i needta go shopping.

i wanna buy:

1)a new pair of levis
2)a new pair of running shoes
3)a new pair of walking shoes
4)a new pair of bball shoes
5)new shirts

and on a third note.
i wanna go to dam bintan.
=(((((
why the hell is it so dam hard to organise a trip.
stupid regulation set by parents just makes anything dam hard.
/swear.

on a fourth note, i wanna go dancing at o bar.
its been dam long sinced i danced.
i dun need booze, i just want some time to hang it all loose, enjoy myself.
fat man dancing for me is really quite a relaxation.
where anithing goes and like no one really gives a dam so long as you enjoy yourself.
its like a perpertual smile on your face when you dance i swear.
=D

okie.
random post done.

i miss my baby.

not blaspheming.(edited)

2008-09-23T13:16:00.005+08:00

there have been many times in my life,
where ive felt lonesome in that sense of the word.
where you feel really really alone, that its so hard to find the pple or person that can truly understand you for what you are and all.
and you begin to wonder if such a person exists.

in any case,

this has been the shittiest week for as long as i can remember since i got uncerimoniously pulled out from the hockey team to my ultimate shame by my form teacher who had my best interests at heart in terms of emotional unhappiness.

and for some strange reason,
these few lines of a christian song ring in my head.

the words are meant to be a worship to my God and Saviour,

but in all honesty,
when they ring in my head now,

they're only dedicated to that one person who's definitely not up in heaven.

the song is "take me deeper"

and the lyrics go sumthing like this.

There is a longing,
only you can fill,
a ragin tempest,
only you can still..

and sometimes the emptiness you feel from a result of a person's absence,
is a physical pain that you can feel.

kinda like a dull ache in the middle of your chest,
and the wet eyelashes when certain things come unbidden into your mind as you contemplate what could be.

i was talkin to fysh on sunday,
and we came upon this subject

f : don't you just wish that life had this vcr function,that you could pause and go back and live life differently.

and yea.
we both agreed that we wouldnt have screwed our jc life as badly as we did,
but then again without having screwed it up toget, we probably wouldnt had have the bond we share today.
at the same time, we wouldnt have met julian,and hence my darling girl.
so all in all, i would leave that aside.

while this general path i wouldnt want to stray too far off for the things i know have benefitted me;

meeting g,
gettin my national's trophy after 6 years of lusting for a sportin accomplishment since i was in primary school and got teased for being soft cuz i wore choir robes,
actually passing all my a level subjects despite my amazing streak of Fs i got in prelims,
learning alot about pple and how mean the world is.

but at the same time,
i have quite a few things i would turn the clock around for to change.

the first priority i would definitely attribute it to Ms Tan.
i would go back and change everything.

the second thing would be my studies.

3rd would be how i spent my ns money in terms of taxis and other stuff.
that money could've defined alot.but at the same time it taught me a few lessons i have learnt and put into my new living.

what are the things you would like to change.

if i had a magic lamp with a genie,

i would wish that saturday night didnt happen.
and that things would go back to the way they were before right at the start when we first held hands so apprehensively.where the laughs came so easily, the warmth and cosyness never left.
where the jokes and blushes and chuckles flowed like a never endin stream, and where the world seemed to stop and part to pass around us two without distracting us from drinking in each other's company and lost in each other's eyes and laughs.

ive tried to live life with no regrets,
but ive come to learn that if you don't have any regrets,
you havent lived life to the fullest.
unless you've lost something treasured,you won't regret.
but in treasurin the person, you begin to live life and feel alive.

here's a song i would like to share before i go

its from the script.
the pple who brought you the song "the man who cant be moved"

and this song is for all the guys out there,
for you to sing to the person you love in the world.

sing it along with these lines.

"ours is not perfect, i know it'll never be,
we fight,we bitch,we quarrel and cry,
we share our happiness and our woes,
but at the end of the day,
we know we mean each other no harm,
becuz we love."

this song hit me in the car driving back alone just now.
and i hence call it the wet eyelashes moment.

the script : i'm yours.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart

You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours

i just think this is a beautiful and REAL song.
that when it comes down to it.
for all our inperfections,
it is our dedication and love that is our best value in my opinion.
to that one special person.

__________________________EDIT_________________________
there's this little story in this song.
that with this special person, going thru life's journeys, taking on the responsibilities that come along with growing up feels perfectly worth it.

you opinions are of such clarity they define my path and guide me along.

i may not be the most gentle of men
i might not be the most capable of expressing wad i feel,
definitely not the best looking,
tho i have lotsa of faults,
i know and i feel insecure,
but all i have to offer,
is myself.

you took away the scars left behind,
and gave me new hope,
you loved me for who i am,
you're the angel in my life,

there's always this one moment in the attraction cycle.
this one moment that a person passes from being just another person,
to being the person that catches your eye.
a single act,a single word or gesture.
that suddenly brings that person into new light.
of as the cliche goes, the moment you know.
and i still think the moment for me,
happened during my 21st bdae.

sigh.
________________________________________

life is too much to touch everyone's life.
but i wouldnt mind parting the sea to touch 1 person's life and make it better.

fleigning w/o wings.

2008-09-22T11:42:00.002+08:00

in light of alot of recent things in my life,

this song ran in my head last night as i laid in bed trying to get to sleep.
cheesiness of the lyrics aside,
i guessed it really expressed alot of what im feeling.

which lines speak to you at this point in time in your life.
lol.

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends

I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

nothing like it, nothing like you.

2008-09-11T08:50:00.004+08:00

lol.
THIS IS 1337 shit.
for all guys only.
worth about 2-3 mins worth of incredulous lafta once you get going.
lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtToSNGiHV8
and now that you're a fan,

watch this.
he's fugamazing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g2HWmCXX3M

GOTTA LOVE THE PIANIST HE's DAM GENG TOO.
ESPECIALLY THE ENDING.ROFL.
and more...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgyeshD8RJY

just shows you that there is no real performer without a proper backup person in the background.=D

and 1 last one for keke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5E_YTrTtLPE

don't bother bout the rest not as nice tho

LHC ANGELS AND DEMONS

2008-09-11T08:31:00.003+08:00

lol
everyone needs to watch this.
like seriously.
then read the comments.
its fuckin hilarious.

its about CERN bringing their LHC (Large Hadron Collider) to reality and their goals.
quite cool shit.
lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM

2 songs.

2008-09-03T08:29:00.002+08:00

2 songs hit me in the span of the past few days,
new release that hit a spot i guess.

jason mraz ft colbie calliat
Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water
across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky,
oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

leona lewis - footprints in the sand
You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way

And just when I
I thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say
I promise you I'm always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary
Well I know you'll be there
Cause I can feel you
When you say I promise you
I'm always there

When your heart is filled with sadness and despair
Oh, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

hmmm.
the first song really struck me.
cuz not too long back,
when things were looking wavery,
you told me that first and foremost we should be best of friends,
and then we worked things out and this song comes along.
haha.
seems apt i guess.
=)

and the 2nd song is juz beautiful.=)

/smile.

if anyone wants the song it me on msn

2008-08-26T11:10:00.001+08:00

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.A

ll men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he (a) got older, (b) got a new job, or (c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men are less sentimental than women.

No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, and he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you ... I want to marry you ... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.M

en forget everything; women remember everything.That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened

zomgpwned.

2008-08-21T08:46:00.002+08:00

this shit.
is off the chain.
o.0

amazing stuff.
got it off huiwen's blog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7ea-G1dCzQ

go watch it
its worth your time for shore

emo-kid

2008-08-20T16:23:00.002+08:00

i guess deep down inside.
i really am a emo kid.

i realise that i have alot of plans.
the more down to earth mite call it "head up in the clouds"
and i dun really deny that.
cuz in know my feet still are rooted on the ground in reality with regards to the way i'll reach this plans.
and i realise i expect quite alot.
in a sense im pretty much unreasonable as a person.
its either my way,or it doesnt mean much.

i dunno if this means im unreasonable or just spoilt.
but the thing if achieved is not to my dreams,
i really wunt care too much about it already.
everythin is specific.
everythin has a reason/purpose.

if it cannot serve its purpose at that point in time in my dream,it makes it superflous.
have = have.
dun have = dun have.

i really dun care 2 shits about it anymore.

likewise as it is with alot of other stuff.

in my pursuit of my dreams.
i always keep working fuckin hard to get there.
but then when things dun turn out as planned,
i fall.

hard.
and it really pisses the shit outta me cuz so much effort has gone into it.

and now i realise,
that becuz so much of my dreams are based on others.
and the others might not share my dreams of how things should be,

in a sense,
i've condemned myself to fallin hard lots of times by no fault but my own.

on hindsight i dunno whether is juz me being foolish,
or me bring unreasonable to expect certain things,
or being too demanding to expect things to happen and go my way.

all i know,
is that all that im doing at the moment.

has suddenly lost is meaning.
alot of things have lost their meaning.

i dunno what im fightin for already.
i dunno what im working so hard for already.

the textbook answer is that im working and fighting for myself and my future.

but the answer that i need doesnt lie within.

2 things tad put a smile on your face.

2008-08-19T23:26:00.003+08:00

haha the above is juz hilarious cuz its soo true,

it rings in tune with sumthing the 18?19? adws came up with.

when shit comes, it comes in lumps.

now this pic is tragic.

especially since im tryin to lose weight now.

lol.

i swear stepping on the scale before the run is a nightmare,

but after the run it looks really good,

but you know after you head back and drink water,

its all gonna come back.

/scream and /sob.

oh wells.

stay focussed.

bit by bit i guess.

i wanna be fitter and slimmer for dec.=)

IM BRINGING SEZZZZZYYYY BAK.

/rage

2008-08-10T23:00:00.002+08:00

juz a thought going thru my head when i was on the way back.

i was juz wondering if there are pple like me out there,
who are fuckin irritated with the life that the live,
extremely annoyed by situations and circumstances with boundaries that cannot be passed,
basically unhappy with the situation as it is.

i dun there are that many.

and thats why there's a lotta rage inside me.

rage not against the world,

but against myself for not daring,not wantin to change it.

fear of the unknown?

nah.
more like fear of the known.

fuck this shit man.
seriously.

sometimes your mind thinks the clearest when you're tired.

mine certainly does.

time of the year

2008-08-07T21:00:00.002+08:00

its that time of the year again,
where i get really emo and melacholy,
and ask myself what im really searching for.

and today i found myself lookin at things from a whole different angle.

i call it the "curse of a family oriented upbringing"

you know we always hear the saying "live a meaningful life"

i believe there's a sayin that goes sumthin along the lines of
"life is not measured by the number of steps you take, but by the footprints you've left behind."

i happen to think that's really true,
cuz i find this whole race quite mindless and meaningless.

and cause im really quite practical,
i know for a fact that there's no way in hell you gonna leave positive footprints in everyone's life,
and thus,

i choose which pple to make and effort for,
and the rest can go suck wind.

sometimes i really wonder what all this rush is for.
as in the rush im in.
the schoolwork and striving to get As (for once in my life i actually care about my grades.o.0),
the working work(pushing sales and justifying my salary and hopin to prove worthy of the path that my boss is already planning for me),my rship(hopin that everything works out),

what is all this rush about.
and then i realise that its down to upbringing.

my upbringing tells me that there is only 1 thing in the world that matters.

and that is family.

you can go thru life a millionaire,and die a pauper in terms of emotional fulfilment.
and when the time comes,i'll probably ask you, so do you think you've done well with your life.
do you think you've lived a meaningful life.

the answer would probably be "yea man,i made loadsa dough"

but if the end consequence that we all arrive at inevitably is that of death,

everything is meaningless eh?

so would you rather die knowing that you made loadsa cash which is all irrelevant now that you're on your deathbed and your ferrari's gonna be given to the nephew who you think is an arrogant prick?

or would you rather die knowing that you've made someone's life really really good.

i picked the 2nd.

personal choice or juz a matter of upbringing?

i doubt i'll ever know.

all i know is that it makes sense to me.

in any case,

everything strings back to this.

why am i studying so hard for..

the reason is simple,
so that i can get a good job, that pays well, that i can buy my house, and create a family of my own, and make them happy.

why am i working so hard for..
to buy my house, to create a family of my own, and to make them happy.

why am i working so hard in this rship..
to create a family of my own, and to make them happy.

gettin the picture now?

so yea,
there goes the logic part out into the open.

but....

sometimes its just so hard.

my girl told me sumthin which i found especially true.
it went sumthin along the lines of,
no matter what you do for anyone,even though you mite not EXPECT anything in return,there is there latent expectation of sumthing in return.

and yea i guess that is true.
everyone wants to feel appreciated i guess.

lets juz give a few day to day examples.

if you msg me, you'll prob expect a reply back rite?

if you're pissed with the world and you slap me and i turn the other cheek, even though you mite slap the other cheek, most likely a few days down the road, i'll be expectin the apology for that very act.

latent expectation i guess.

and this leaves the point thinkin o whether its wrong to expect.

my love isnt just a word, its not an expression, its not an emotion.

its a living walking action that embodies the above and who i am, and the ideals i believe in.

and when you wish to show you care,
if there's a latent expectation within you expecting something in return,
is it wrong?or is it just human.
and if by the above,showing your care is wrong,
then...where is the love.

/shrugs.

really feeling dam shitty atm these few days.

summed up in a WoW expression,

at this moment,

i really, honestly,

can't, be, fucked, bothering.

/shrugs.

expressions

2008-08-03T22:47:00.005+08:00

since everyone seems to think of me as a bear,

albeit as a grumpy one,

i saw this,

and i thought it was dam cute.

and in my typical soppy cmi romantic way,

im the round lil bear,holding onto wad to me,is the the shinest star.=)

no prizes for guessin who that is.=P

in light of the recent events,

i look upon dudley's blog and see a line i relate quite well too.

there's a title/line in the a song..

where did my_______________,i wonder where she _________,

i really _______ so,im calling but _________,

im really feeling everythin that song is saying at the moment.

ice cream if you can guess wad song it is.=)

2008-07-22T17:56:00.041+08:00

Good evening fellas.=)
tonite's post is photoclip that i hope brings back good memories of a night not so long ago,
spent in a small lil room with cushions.=)

Disclaimer : the author did not purposely chose the unglam photos to post. there just happened to be no decent shots so i had to make do.=D KEKEKEKEKEE.

*ahem*

the following photostrip stars,

the 1,the only, wickermasuriya joshua kane tan shu ya aka zomg i hadta ask for 2 application forms for my 'o' levels sibei paiseh pls.
seen here with half his mouth open in a unglam moment.

the every present dudley kow wei heng,
who is lookin at you with his The Rock eyebrows raise.

The impossible to miss ivan loh ming hwee aka giant from the green beanstalkz.
seen here in a rare sober moment,before he started drinking.
still looks drunk anyhow though.=P

the dude you hear before you seee
no.its not me.kenneth yeeooozzz!!
who is lookin a lil crossed eyed cuz his specs died a horrible death that night from a cause that will be covered later.

the only contender for josh in the skinny boy category,
AARON TAN!

and yanghui who ran off before we could get a mug shot of him,
as well as dudley's sabrina.

the evening began innocently enuf,
with the merry few happily posing and groping each other as demonstrated by dudley's wandering hands and josh's strained expression as he attempts to preserve wad's left of his *ahemahem* aft wad is now termed as Operation : Red Underwear

there was food a plenty, milkshakes,pizza,and lotsa yummy finger food.

as well as many a sombre moment as we contemplated how long this brotherhood has lasted over the years.and all becuz of a sport we all had no clue about playing initially.

and as the night got merrier,
the drinks got pple more limber.

and then amusement began in earnest.

we began the fun with the traditional "look for joshua" game,
and we chanced upon a new and innovative way.
one can not be seen carrying a torchlight everytime when out with josh,
but handphones works too!!!

"lighting up the black guy"

and we were then treated to a "I WAS LOST BUT NOW IM FOUND" dance by josh upon his being discovered by our uber 1337 handphone lights.

afterwards, came the first of many teh-ed victims,beginning with the dancer himself.

you cant see him here cuz he's utterly buried,but dun worry the mess unravels itself.

unwrap x 1

unwrap x 2 as we see josh holding his head and wondering if the figurative ton of bricks juz landed on him.

but no good deed goes unpunished,
and thus the baton was passed many a times,

note how happy josh looks.

and look how happy he is here too!!!!

everyone's gotta love the biggest cushion.=)

the fateful teh that resulted in ken's spec's demise.=(

there were many a tender moment,

and the slightly not so tender as giant decided to serenade to josh.

making clear his intentions,

and going in for the kill

whilst me and dudley tryta support him using the drums.

but he didnt fancy our beats,
and took over himself,

however drunk men make no beat,
and he lost josh.=(((
/awwww

but not being one to lie down and take defeat,
he surges on to a new target.

but was greeeted with aaron's laughs instead.

and thus like every other frustrated musician,
blamed the instrument ftw.

but what won the crowd over,
was definitely his dancing.=D

as the night wound down,
we once again pay homage to the loveable ah chek of the family who seems to be aging faster then all of us with 2 uberly unglam shots.his bdae is next monday btw!!!!!

lol he honestly looks like he juz got raped eh?

buttsecks buttsecksss buttsecksssss.

the brother and perhaps future sister in law,
who hadta leave early cuz he hadta get his lover home in time.

the rest of us who stayed till the end,

i had to post the following pic cuz i swear its a bit freaky as we see aaron's mastery of qing gong
as he seems to be floating.-_- on his ass.-_-

thanks to the bros for making it happen,
thanks for being the bros i've learned to love and hold dear,

and finally,

a special thanks for the 1 n only special person in my life.
without whom this might have never happened,

and without whom,
the sun might never rise the same way (that i've come to love in the days we've been toget) again.

thank you baby.=)

keke.

2008-07-18T22:41:00.001+08:00

On my 65th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion. He handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, ‘1-2-3′. When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4′ when she’s had enough,” the shaman replied. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
My wife took one look at me. She was so excited she began throwing off her clothes. She jumped onto the bed and excitedly asked, “What was the ‘1-2-3′ for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

___________________________________________________

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”

freaky mind.

2008-07-17T20:58:00.000+08:00

The mind is an evil thing.
I had a terrible nightmare last night.
Its a lil disturbing how your mind singles out your deepest darkest fears and puts them into your dreams in carefully rendered 3D details.

Have you ever had a nightmare that is so vivid, so stark, so utterly horrifying that even though you know its a dream, you cant seem to wake up and stop it from happening. And in that dream, you’re already freaking out and silently screaming. And you know its a dream! And yet you cant stop it. You know if it happened in real life, you’ll be screaming and runnin around like a chicken with its head cut off.

when I was finally saved by my alarm bell, I woke up in cold sweat, with everything on my bed on the floor and my bedsheet was half stripped from the bed. I guess I was trashing about a lil.

But it was really quite scary. The mind is really quite evil.

I once remember when I was a kid,I kept dreaming of huge ass biting snakes. The kinda swallows you whole. Btw im terribly afraid of snakes. But yea. I kept dreaming of meeting snakes that pop out in the weirdest places. And they’ll always have a human like face which screams “CANNIBOL LECTOR x BADDIE from really bad action film” and I’ll always be in sum disturbed position like shittin halfway and my pants prevent me from runnin away, insteada runnin away I’ll would be “Shit should I clean my ass first or run, or should I run den clean my ass, but my pants will be dirty if I dun clean my ass first.” All that kinda stupid thoughts runnin thru the dream-me’s head, as i watch myself get pwned in my dreams, the real me will be like screaming “MOVE IT DUMBASS” den start shouting random facts that “rUN diagonally!!keep changing your direction cuz snakes cant keep up”(btw tads pure fact.you can try that for crocodiles too, if you run in ever widening circles,due to the fact the crocodiles have their legs like a 4 wheel drive,they turn really slow so youll definitely get away unscathed.but if you run str8,they’ll run you down like a freight train)

As it happened last nite,
All I was doing was screaming at the dream-me “ITS NOT REAL ITS NOT REAL ITS NOT REAL!!!!!” as I watched myself do get systematically taken apart n broken down.

You know what is the scariest thing?

Its not the dream.
Its not the fact that the mind is evil.

The scariest thing, is knowing that you’re helpless in the face of it all.
these kinda situations, are definitely not of your own choice.
And the freakist thing is the wondering if it actually came to reality,whether the final circumstance would be as terrible as it was in the dream.

They say the pen is mightier den the sword,
And the tongue is sharper den the sword too.

I guess the main reason behind that saying, is that the human mind is the deadliest weapon of them all.

Telling a person your deepest fears is probably the biggest measure of trust in my opinion after last night’s dream. I was juz thinkin about it.
Do you know your family member’s deepest secrets?i highly doubt so. But im pretty sure a certain person has opened up to you before. Told you things tad no one else in the world knows. And you’re his/her secret keeper. I got my own fair share of these secrets and fears that I realise if I suddenly hate this pple, I can take them apart so methodically. But knowing me if I hate the person I probably will juz never speak to that person again. Im not the spiteful sort.(before you remind me of the single time I was,) I am impulsive, but not spiteful.

In any case,
All I wanted to say was that these pple who opened up to you trust you.
Do your best to be worthy of their trust, cuz they literally give your their kryptonite.
And if even superman falls to kryptonite, what more mere mortals like us.

Faster den a speeding bullet and etc,

But still extremely vulnerable to the thing they’ve told you.

Some of you might say,
If that is the case,
Then this pple are stupid la.
The world is a badass place wanting to crush all opposition.
Why give them more weapons.

To which I reply,

No man is an island,
And everyone needs a person that they can confide to, they can find peace and solace in, and basically take refuge after facing the terrible world every single day.
It may be a loved one, or a close friend. But everyone needs that place.

Okie im done reflecting and feeling disturbed.

Screw this mind man.
Better gimme a good nite’s rest tonite.
Dam if I aint sleepy like shit.

food for thought

2008-07-13T01:13:00.003+08:00

if we go by the ancient saying that:

actions speak louder then words,

and the actions speak volumes.

which do you believe.

your heart, which sees and feels,

or your ears which hear.

inspired

2008-07-11T10:59:00.002+08:00

inspired by my recent karaoke session.

i have decided to slow down on wow time,
and spend the next few weeks dusting off my fat fingers..

and playin tong hua on the piano.

lol.

x-files.

2008-07-10T09:20:00.003+08:00

i was omw to school the other day,
when i saw the poster to upcomin x-files movie.
cant really remember wad exactly did it say,
but the line went something like

"if you want to find the truth,you must believe"

now for some reason,
that line struck in my head for quite a while.

maybe its cuz of the things that've happened this recent weeks.
this sayin really rings thru.
both ways.

i guess it is part of human nature to doubt.
when sumthin is good, you will suspect and never accept it,
cuz its too good to be true.

like the scenario from the Matrix,
in a perfect world,
humans die.
cuz they cant deal with things that are too good.
they muz suffer.

i juz find it weird.
if things are good,
why cant you be contented and happy.
/shrugs.

and like wise in the other way,
if sumthin is too bad,
they'll keep lookin for something good to see about it.

i remember talkin to a fren a few weeks back.
who told me that all girls share sumthing similiar.

they love bad boyfriends,
but want their husbands to be angels.

however in a guy context,

at least within my circle of friends,
we juz want a girl who loves us and respects us i guess.

the lady in the street,
freak in the sheets is merely a bonus.

more importantly,we want a solace that we can return to no matter wad.
and from what i know from our previous experiences,
we'll do anithing for it.

anyway,
side tracking.
so all i wanted this post to say was,

when presented with something tad could possible make you happy which seens too good to be true,

are you willing to believe?

when presented with something you know is bad for you but you want it terribly(like chilli oil on mcspicy),

will you believe and see beyond your desire?

food for thought.
=D

the rest is still unwritten

2008-07-09T21:52:00.002+08:00

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,So I'm going home.I'm going home.

certain lines in this song,
are really speaking to me now.

idealism and dreams.

2008-07-06T04:40:00.002+08:00

shall juz recount 2 few lines tad got me pondering this past week.

"....no business in thinking this certain way now.."

"....matter of forcing yourself to be happy?"

to be honest.
i am not ignorant of my inherent flaws in character.

but is it tad wrong to have dreams?
honestly i dun see a difference between dreams and goals.
the only way you get to live your dreams is if you work hard enough to achieve them.
and if you hafta achieve them, than dream = goals aint it.

idealism.
yea i am extremely idealistic.
i believe tad a simplistic system,structure should exist, but whilst idealistic, im not delusional to the point where i am ignorant of my situation and what needs to be done.
but that doesnt stop me from hoping.

in this case,
since situations all arise from differences in human nature,
we all hope.

and hope in silence.

hoping that something would happen.

eventually something has to give.

its a brutal world i guess.

/shrugs.
dun really know wad im talkin actually.

juz wanted to put those 2 lines up cuz i thought they were quite thought provoking.

hope it incites the same shit in you.

im gonna sleep.

on a sidenote,

karaoke is the best way for ANYONE to learn chinese.

anyone wants to see a video of FYSH SINGIN KARAOKE ??????

happy birthday me.

2008-06-23T21:00:00.002+08:00

well.this is it,22,
been 22 for about 10 hours?
there abouts.

its been less den a perfect bdae for me i guess.
found myself breaking a promise i made to myself in sispec on the bus back.
strangly under a very different circumstance then when it last happened.

niwae,
thanks for the love,the calls,the msges.
thanks fellas.=)

mucho love.

okie time to start my assignment.

birthday cele.

2008-06-22T13:45:00.004+08:00

lemme recount the day to you guys,
the happenings and all,
before i start gushin about this wonderful girl that gave me a chance.=)

so morning was work and school,

and in the evening,
i was supposed to hang out wit my maris guys.

so aft school,was in macs stoning and waiting for em.
so as per normal,
6 guys = about an hour in waitin time as they slowly strolled in one by one,
and for some reason,
despite my insistance to play basketball,
josh wanted to go chinatown.

now the only thing i know about chinatown is that i worked there before,
and i like the fried dumplings there.
so the instant he said chinatown,
i told em to go eat dumplings.
but he said "nooooooo....i know a place where we can go.btw,can you stay out late?we got a something planned."
my response was "wtf.why muz stay up late.you dunt try thing funny pls.dun gimme no nonsense strip shit i'll whack you"
to which he said "no la,juz tryta stay out late with us k?"
now the only other LOGICAL conclusion was Euro match,so i was more prepared for a nite out at a pub/bar,which chinatown with its proximity to club street, wasnt that outta a logical choice.

so that was the expectation part of the thing.
so aft the guys all arrived one by one,
we left for the bus to chinatown.
now tbh, i wasnt really suspecting anithing yet,
but on hindsight there were really alot of tell tale signs.

now firstly,josh doesnt really sms much, and we normally consult ourselves on wad to do and decide from there, but he kept msgin someone over the phone,before sayin anithing.however,this wasnt noticed till later.
2ndly,was that he didnt know where to go despite saying he had a place in mind.this i noticed and mercilessly suaned him.actually this was when i began to suspect something.
3rdly,globalsound.now having brought my baby to this place before,my 1st thought was "OMG I MUZ MSG HER.lol so cartoon why josh bring me this place sial.uber de javu"
now tad was on hindsight extremely stupid.so whilst waiting, i was halfway thru a sms to g alr."eh,you'll never believe it pls.they brought me to globalsound can.wth sial"

THEN it struck me.wait a min.........

so i held that msg in my hand,
waitin to see wad happened next

and more or less,
when josh said to the owner.."i THINK we have a room.on the 3rd floor."
i knew there was sumthin wrong alr.

and then when we went to the room,he called someone cuz he didnt know where to go....
and yea.

at tat time,
while standing outside the room,
i was juz hoping and hopin tad it would be the person i wanted to see the most..
and yea..

it was...

i guess pleasantly surprised doesnt cut it as i was literally struck dumb.when i saw her, it was like...i dunno like drink of water at the end of a marathon.outta sudden the weight off my shoulders was lifted pls.
i was really quite sian this week with things going on,but everythin juz faded when i saw her.

okie.
now comes the gushin part.

so this lil girl o mine,
supposedly 2 weeks ago,
contacted josh and dud thru frenster and asked for their help to arrange something.

and all of em joined in happily.there were a total of like 8 marists there,none of whom leaked a dam thing.to which,i make a rude gesture and shout "assholes" to your face. but after that hug you lovingly and tell you thanks.thanks for helping g,thanks for being there too.the only pple missed there from my close knit of frens were like daryl,fish and alv.

but otherwise,wad more could a guy ask for.
close bros,
the lady he loves.
nice relaxed atmosphere.

last night was the first in a really long long time,when i could really juz relax,
have endless stupid fun,
watch pple get drunk and do stupid shit,
pillor fight,
teh pple,

all that nonsense.
lol.even as bdae boy,
i wasnt the first to get squashed,
i can remember it was giant,who was so stoned aft a while he lay on the floor,and literally asked to be tehed.
and the best part was that he was huggin a pillor summore.like padding like tad.
not one to refuse, we obliged and were rewarded with losta flopping fish moans accompanied with lotsa "TAP OUT TAP OUT TAP OUT" calls.

and once the dam breaks.well.kinda isnt a way to hold it back.

but yes.
back to gushing.

ive gotta been one of the luckier guys in the world right now please.
whilst the line goes that behind every successful man,there's a woman,never ever really made sense to me,
i guess last nite juz proved to me how much having the lady you treasure's support can mean to you.

whilst last nite wasnt a lil thing,
its really this day to day gestures that mean so much and remind wad a fool i am to think the way i do sometimes.

so before i sign off,
and yes pictures will make it to facebook josh.
this is prob the only time im gonna bother uploading photos there.

lemme reiterate again wad a lucky s.o.b i am to have frens like ya'll,

and im even luckier to have a girl like you.

thank you baby.=)
love you.

truly.

okie stay tuned for unglam pictures of marists rolling around and doing stupid things.=)

pondering

2008-06-20T21:30:00.006+08:00

at times.
i truly wonder what's going on, and what exactly am i doing.
CAYSN cant seem you set in, and i find myself in a rather similiar situation.
i guess its juz a personal trait, which in certain situations, becomes more of a flaw den an asset.

are there mistakes tad you keep making,
and keep tellin yourself you'll learn,
and still keep making the same one?

maybe when im wiser i'll learn to distance myself.
or it might be a forlorn wish cuz hard lessons in this area dun seem to work with me.

it reaches a point where i start being cynical and pessimistic.

/shrugs.
who knows.

my angst space ftw.

time really flies.
in exactly 2 days to the day, 1 year ago,
i found myself in a situation not quite unlike wad im in at the moment.
feeling the same way and having made a decision as a result of an inability to deal with it within myself.

maybe its cuz my perception of what it is really distorted.
maybe im juz spoilt for it forever and evermore,
tad i'll never be satisfied with anithing less.
maybe im just a brat.
or maybe im being juz dam grumpy and unreasonable at the moment.
i guess part of it deals with my idealistic nature.

that i will not accpet defeat till i experience it myself.

i guess its niave in certain aspects,
that if i am a certain way,
it would be this certain way becuz tads wad's supposed to happen.

but then again,
in this sorta things,its the change and differences that keep it interestin isnt it?
there will never be a definite for this sorta thing.
but the changes are sumtimes hard to take i guess.
and try as i might, i cant maintain it 100% of the time too.
but is it too idealistic of me to wish for it to be as close to that as possible?
oe maybe its me.
maybe im askin for more.

or isit juz my perceptions that are warped.
that im expectin wad isnt attainable in reality.

am i juz another victim of books and tv shows where idealism is writ large and i cant seem to accept reality.

im feeling just so sian some times.
its like de javu all over again.
same old situation everytime damn time.
how did i end up like tad again.

you know,
sherlock once said,

when you've eliminated all the possibilities,only the obvious remains.

so when ive exhausted making unfounded and needless approximations,

the fact that remains is that there is only 1 constant in it all.
and that would be myself.

so if this be the case,

i really needta do some reflecting,

and do things differently.

yea like this hasnt been said so many times before.

/sigh.

maybe im juz destined to lived this fucked up life this fucked up way till i can finally settle for less or begin to accept that these things in life will NEVER be constant.
or accept myself better.

maybe tad's wad mature means eh?
being at peace with yourself.

which would mean my baby's right.

my bros are really quite much more mature den i am.

i sure as hell aint at peace with myself.
i dun think i'll be till i've achieved certain things i've set out to do in life.

idealism sucks shit.
sometimes i wonder if im too fuckin easy.

_____________________________________________
sigh on a brighter note,

something tad should amuse you.
it made me smile on a shitty day a few days back.

lol.

2008-06-19T17:29:00.001+08:00

cheap thrills.
fruits o blog trollin

_____________

Why do men die first.

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is
favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet . .. its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ...you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers .. you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first ?

Because they want to.

2008-06-19T17:01:00.001+08:00

Get Your Sexy Name

nickelback

2008-06-01T01:11:00.003+08:00

dor some reason,
im feeling dam emo and sian now.
and i cant really place a finger on to as why.

and this began long before i started heading home,
and still even aft hours of gaming.
gettin loot and all,
im still feeling the same.
so i have decided to blog a slightly less emo post bout something i thought of whilst in the shower.

there's a line in the nickelback song.
actually,
its the dam title of the song.
which goes

"is someone getting the best of you"
which sounds normal,
the following line which then goes
"is someone taking the pain you feel, you trust too much , confess, is someone gettin the best the best the best of you"

now i thought that was just about the most telling line of the song as i revealed the true nature of line before it.

alone,
the line sounds like an accusation almost,
but then it gets all put together as actually a line of concern.
interesting i guess.

okie.
this isnt working,
not feeling anibetter.
fuck this.

okie time for bed.

there are times.

2008-05-31T19:20:00.003+08:00

where i really really detest myself.

for being the sad way i am,

for doubting the way i do,

for fearing the way i do,

for not having the confidence everyone says i should have.

for being too soft,

for being foolish in certain areas of my life.

maybe at times its easier to believe a lie.

cuz you dun hafta face up with the truth.

i really need a break.

2008-05-28T20:30:00.002+08:00

its been a gay week.
things are piling on and honestly i dun have time nor space to breathe.
with last week assignments and presentation, exam this week, a million dollar deal to prepare for, 34 levels of 46 walls per levels of system to draw, + tuition lessons to prepare for my kids.
i need time to do what i want.
and that won't come till i finish up the exam and the tender is submitted.

i cant even rest in peace anymore.
3 nights of nightmares back to back and i get less den 6 hours of sleep a night.
i cant even sleep on bus joourneys cuz i get massive headaches once i start worrying about stuff.
thinkin i should be studying on the bus, or going thru drawings.

mentally you know you need the reprieve.
but you cant spare the time nor mantal capacity nor control to order your body to rest.

i really need a break from it all.

i guess here's where army's good in the sense you never burn out cuz you can claim offs.

but in the civilian world,no such thing exists.

juz 3 more days.
till the paper.
den maybe aft that i can rest.

sigh.

im sorry baby.

something only a singaporean would find humour in.

2008-05-20T15:14:00.001+08:00

and im not shitting you,nor did i select only a few letters and omit the rest outta frame.
thats it.lol.
best form of advertising eh?

lol

2008-05-20T10:32:00.002+08:00

and these are popping up all over the place.

_____________________________________________________________

Things Girl's Don't Know

Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try. (trust me on this one)

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. (even the pimps)

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. =]

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him. (yeah, and it's usually something stupid )

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method. (oh yes! what guy has not tried this one?)

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to. (yeah, so stop calling 300 guys a day)

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved. (yeah so stop calling 300 guys a day)

8. Guys don't care how gorgeous you are, if you're a bitch-- Goodbye. (yeah so stop calling 300 guys a day and work on your personality)

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out. ( i can't really add anything to this one)

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses. (i wonder if it's the other way around too?)

11. Guys are very open about themselves (and if their not about something they have a damn good reason)

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him more than anything else. (Advice is appreciated though =]

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. (yep, it goes back to that kindergarden kid that was poking the girl he liked with a stick, all the other guy's saw and thought "wow that's a damn good idea!"

14. Guys love you more than you love them. ( yessir)

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole hell of a lot. ( this is true)

16. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key. (nice asses or boobs sure help though, don't get me wrong!)

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped. (yeah, if your not compassionate, your insensitive, but if your too compassionate your gay....)

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant. (we really do, beleive it or not)

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl. (and what guy hasn't done something stupid?)

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside. (this is always true )

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that. (so we mean it when we say it)

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me." (it's pretty much the only thing we say that means something else, so know it.)

23. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up. (yeah dude, seriously!)

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them. (yeah, it's really annoying when you compliment a girl on her looks and then end up arguing with her!)

25. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something. (unless were just spacing out. so check to see if were blinking)

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes. (so get a telescope)

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily. (oh yes.)

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys. (it's actually true!)

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them. (it's very strange)

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day. (no way! well maybe leftly, but not mr. right!...okay yes mr. right...)

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it. (yeah, so remember, if we seem overwellmed and we don't ask for help, offer it. we'll accept it)

32. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of them...just most. good guys' are a dieing breed. (i blame the damn hippies)

33. Guy's love it when girls talk about their boobs. (haha oh yes)

34. When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually (yeah so avoid guys who do that, they almost always turn out to be Assholes)

35. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs. (this is actually true! i didn't think i was but i tested it! so we don't admit it or even crack a smile we just grab your arms and pull them away...lol)

36. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts. (so true, especially after a rough day..)

37. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible. ( remember this one )

38. Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you he probaly still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life. (this is very true. takes us guys a long time to get over you girls. can you blame us? your awesome!)

juz a lil sumthin

2008-05-20T10:00:00.000+08:00

here's a lil sumthing i found rather amusing.

___________________________

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

quote quoted

2008-05-16T14:36:00.001+08:00

finally had a bit of spare time to take a look arnd at coupla blogs.
and i saw this on dud's which really agreed with something i felt all along.

quoting the lines i truly agree with,

From a guys point of view:

We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.

It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till he morning.

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.We'll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.

Yeah, you can quote me.

Don't be mad when we hold the door open.

Take Advantage of the mood im in.

LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON'T 'FEEL BAD' We enjoy doing it. It's expected. Smile and say 'thank you.'

Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us. If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.

We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's.
Or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.

at the same xroads again.

2008-05-06T22:44:00.001+08:00

its almost ironic tad one year down the road,
i find myself at the junction, about to break a promise to myself i made one year back.
funny how the situations are quite similiar despite the vast differences.
and im guessing since the only constant is oneself,
the most obvious answer should be that it lies with me.
and as i was on the insane bus ride home (which i shall bitch about later,) i was was listenin to my reborn ipod cuza my all new UM2s which is an extravagence im only just beginning to regret, 2 songs struck me really really hard.

one was dusk and summer by dashboard confessional,which dam near made my break my promise, and the other was a song by j-holiday.

Dusk and Summer
She smiled in a big way
The way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers
And she held your eyes

Out in the breeze way
Down by the shore
In the lazy summer.

And she pulled you in
And she bit your lip
And she made you hers.

And she looked
Deep into you as you lay together
Quiet in the grasp
Of dusk and summer.

But you’ve already lost(x3)

When you only had
Barely enough
To hang on.

And she combed your hair
And she kissed your teeth
And she made you better
Than you’d been before

And she told you bad things
You wished you could change
In the lazy summer

And she told you laughing
Down to her core
So she would not cry
As she lay in your lap

And she said
Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp
Of dusk and summer.

But you’ve already lost (x3)

When you only had
Barely enough
To hang on

And she said no one is alone
The way you are alone
And you held her looser
than you would have
If you ever could have known

Some things tie a life together
In slender threads of things to treasure.
Days like that should last and last and last.

But you’ve already lost (x3)

When you only had
Barely enough
Of her to hang on.

[hang on (x3)]

now taking a few lines outta context and listenin to them sung in tad mournful tone sure as hell gets one emo pls.
but yea.

certain lines really juz stood up and poked me real hard and left me wondering what exactly is the matter with me. i mean problems dun follow you arnd, so if they do, you're the freakin problem ain-it?it aint exactly rocket science.

that being said.
ive got a plan for the next 3 months out,
and if all works well,
hopefully it'll hold a new sunrise for me.

and now for bus driver bitching.

now i dun really know if bus drivers get paid by the hour/trip/ but i freakin suspect they get paid inversely proportionate to the time they take to reach you to your destination and proportionate to the freakin no of passengers they can hold.

imagine going at about 70-80 on a expressway being crammed up like sardines in a can, being next to a really really really old auntie tad no one had the decency to gif up a seat for and who kept gettin tossed around like a twig in a cyclone and kept clingin on to you like her lifeline from a ship in a storm on ONE FREAKIN SIDE, and on the other you have a Fat-Joe sized black dude with cashflow problems he cant afford deo and apparently has no center of gravity so much so that everytime the bus stops, he literally swings like 110 kg of his weight my way. i mean yea im pretty fat myself, but no living person is gonna be able to support 110 kg bumping into him with only a handgrip to secure himself you capesh? and summore lookin aft the auntie on the other side prayin she doest get squashed by the combined weight of both of us should i lose my balance. /ANGST.

coupled with a really mood + emo + long day, im surprised i made it off the bus without screaming expletives.

but then again, ive never really been the instant explosion kinda person rite.

it takes a certain kinda special frustration and exasperation before i lose me cool i guess.

/shrugs.

not tad its a pretty thing to see.

but anyway.

screw bus drivers all you foos should be like em KFC chefs and go back for a refresher course in driving.

afterthoughts.

2008-04-17T23:52:00.003+08:00

tis been quite a while since i last sat down like this to juz reorder my thoughts.

and i guess its a lil overdue.

so much has happened in the past few months i guess its juz been a rush for me.

school starts in 2 weeks time and im faced with a step up or fuck off test of my ability to burn the candle at 3 ends to get everything i want in my idealistic nature.
something tells me i'll rather burn myself out before even admitting defeat in even 1 aspect, but i guess tads still to be said,despite all bravado, its gonna be fuckin hard and i juz hafta hunker down and find some hidden strength.2 years aint tad long isit?ns passed in the same amount of time.

fish steps onto tekong in 2 months time.and the shitty thing is that since he's gonna be confined for 14 days,tad means for the 1st time in about 5?6? years, i'll be celebrating my bdae without one of the closest persons in my life.a typical army term comes to mind and it screams."lan lan"

work's been bouncing along decently i guess.whilst i havent been really tested yet,im still learning the ropes and doing my best imitation of a wooden pole at all meetings,sucking in as much as possible.and listening to my big boss today, i juz have this to say.

studies is about dealing with numbers. real life business is about dealing with pple.

and hmm.
i dun know if you guys listen to radio in the mornings,
but i have this morning routine which is aft i log into my computer,i turn on my laptop to the radio.
and i cant remember if it was this morning or yest,
but they were asking if love was an investment.
and asking pple to comment on it.

now me being the boring old fart tad i am, listened and laffed at pples opinions,
cuz as usual,the ego within has the "PERFECT" answer.

and in my "humble" opinion,

any rship is an investment.

and investment of the things tad once given cannot be regained.

to wad things am i speaking about?

1stly:
the most vaulable commodity given to all men.everyone has an equal share,everyone cant change its flow and ebb. and its simply spelled, time. time with which you can be doing something else,time with thich you mite wanna invest elsewhere,but choose to invest in your only one.
2ndly:
emotions.i believe that everyone has this emo vessel within em.and yes while it refills and is technically never truly empty,i choose to believe tad everytime you're giving of yourself into a rship,its a unique part of yourself tad you can NEVER be able to replicate again.you'll always have some to give.this vessel should technically never be empty, but your willingness to dip into might be tested sometimes.and i believe its from here tad your commitment to the rship begins.and similarly(sp), this investment tad you make goes into tad persons emo vessel,which means in the ideal rship,you're constantly fillin each others cup.at least i think so.

/raise eyebrows.

okie i shall stop emoing and go play game for a while before i sleep.
its been a long long day.

random thoughts +_+

2008-04-06T14:44:00.002+08:00

i was on my way back from tuition,
and a thought struck me while flipping thru the pages of debt of honor.

a really sensible person once told me,
"life is hard enuf as it is without being unhappy,
why bother about being unhappy about things you cant change,
i juz dismiss it"

now true as it may be,
i realise i do that a lot.
now part of me proclaims this as foolish,
whilst another part of me puts it down to the eternal albeit low profile optimist in me that its not always as it seems and there's a way to change it after all.

and its only a matter of how much you want it,
and not so much so of can it be done.

having spent the past 3-4 years of my life in the workin world,
i daresay ive seen a whole shitload of pple who would settle for less juz cuz the exact thing they want would require them to put in a whole lot more effort.

so hence its not so much so of "cannot"

but whether they wanted it or not.

i remember an incident in ns,
where a regular's ass was on the line.
since i was a few steps below him,
mine was as well,
but he didnt see to flurried,
he was like "CANNOT LA CANNOT LA"
but he didnt seem to be lookin for a way outta it.
i suggested a few unorthodox ways to get things done,
but he refused em outright.

now im a rather opinionated person,
and when i think im right,
i dun really care wtf you think,or wad you might think of it,
i would/wouldnt just do it.

so events turned well this time,
i eventually went behind and got it done with no lashbacks wadsoever from the ave that a sought,

and suffice to say his ass and mine were safe.

but once again,
brings me back to the point of whether you want it badly enuf or thought.

just my lil 2 cents today before i head off to chill.

1)everything is achieveable.its juz a matter of whether you want it badly enuf not.

2)it may require sacrifices for you to get exactly wad do you want.how to decide.

3)prioritise and see wad's impt to you. especially in the long run. you arent gonna think the way you do right now 5 years later.think 5 years later.

/shrugs.

oh wellz.
reading time.

all the more so true with you.

2008-04-03T23:44:00.000+08:00

rofl.

2008-04-02T08:18:00.002+08:00

Powered By Vibrating Toy

dam juz imagine its in US bucks.
Dam i pwn.

wonder if there's a million bucks per hour thing.
tad one really cock shrink.
lol.

TAKE THE QUIZ AND POST ON BLOG FOR COMPARISON PURPOSES.

for the record,
the average is 270 bucks per hour.
lollollool

for all guys.

2008-03-31T13:06:00.002+08:00

personally,
i think only the first one works.
but oh well.
worth a 5 sec chuckle.=P

You Are a Banana

You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside.

People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes.

And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary.

You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything!

You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around.

You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

CAYSN

2008-03-25T22:38:00.002+08:00

ive a new motto,
its called CAYSN.

only for the guys to know.
=D

niwae.

here's a quick reality check for everyone.

have you ever wanted to wanted somethin so bad you keep wishin it was true?
and you start thinking a whole shitload about it?

relax,
you're fine, we all do that.

buttttt.............

when you start believing all the shit you've been THINKIN is true,
tads when you're fucked.
=D

okie done with my 2 cents of the day.
fuckin bus driver pissed me off 7 ways to hell and beyond.

ringing in my head.

2008-03-24T17:16:00.003+08:00

there's a song ringin in my head.

its by babyface.

its called 2 occasions.

=)

and its sooo soooo soooooo true.

ggnated.

in a strange reversal of roles.

2008-03-23T00:22:00.002+08:00

i was talkin to an old friend a while back.
strangly enuf,
the topic drifted back to our respective partners.
/roll eyes.guys ftw.
i swear every occasion would be a booze + girls conversation

and this lil thing came out by accident,

the word : heartstrings.

you know,
all my life,
i admired pple who could treat relationships with a certain distance,
to be able to detach themselves very easily,no notice, and feel absolutely no loss, no emotion.
or maybe its juz guy thing im supposed to have but yet i cant do, and hence my admiration.
but then again,there are girls who can do it.
so it set me wondering on the trip back what exactly defines an emotional attachment and this word kept poppin up in my head.

heartstrings.

you always hear the things like : key to your heart, place in your heart, opening the door to your heart etc etc billion of other heart related cliches.

but strangly enuf not one like heartstrings.

it would sound pretty weird eh?

"darling,i love you, and this here's my heartstrings."

-_-

lol the romantic in me prefers "darling i love you, and i give you the keys to my heart"

but yet the slightly more practical side of me realises that the former would probably be more of value.
maybe its cuz the latter's been cliche-ed a billion ways to hell and beyond.
/shrugs.

niwae.
the topic of the discussion came to this.
i would describe the person in question as someone pretty free spirited,
more then a lil character and all.
and one change's tads came over when the rship started was this strange deep mellowing.
suddenly the tone changes,and one hears a strange inflection in the voice.
and then the question of overseas travel came about.
and then this statement came out.

"last time if i wanted to do anithin,i juz do one leh.dun care one.but now i would think about X and how X'll feel before i do it"

and henceforth my statement,

"(insert cheery laugh here) hahah,X's really got your heartstrings la.you pwned plz."

and hence my heartstrings reflection.

i guess tad really is a true rship for him.
in a rship if both parties put each other first,
its kinda hard to step wrong eh?
of course if both parties want to gif,
one's gonna hafta "lose" and actually take,
but in the grandoise scheme,
probably doesnt matter cuz 3 steps later the reversal of roles would probably occur and then it'll start all over again and probably even out and thus the coining of the term "give and take"

and then again,
there are rships that work fine witout all this kinda stuff.
qouting another person,
"if can can lo,kenot kenot la.she understand i also suay bian one.can work can alr"

now tads a whole different kinda admiration.
of course the person mentioned fits into the abovementioned catergory,
but i for the life of me can not see how the hell a rship can exist without communication(their meeting/talkin times/sms time can be like once a week.-_-), how it can exist witout caring about the other person's emotion(like gettin back of results his partner sad and he juz said "juz apply la.results out alr.you also kenot change.okay?"/end conversation),

/boggled eyes. o.0

i guess there are building blocks to every firm and concrete relationship,
of which heartstrings,communication are defintely a very big part of,the generic chemistry i guess.

hmmm.
building blocks would be the right term i guess.
the apt term if you will.

looking at it this way.

way back in the times where the phrase probably came about,

a house was probably something you'll invest a whole shit load of time in,
building it brick by brick,
sealing up the crack seam by seam,
making sure that its strong enuf to not be shaken by external influences,
to be able to withstand the stress brought about by the elements,
to be warm and snug inside so you can find solace and a place to rest aft a bad day,
when you're building it there would be times you'll get sian-ed,
you cant even lay the bricks cuz the wind's not being nice,
you can mix your cement cuz its raining like a dog,
you're out huddling in the cold,
but yet the builder would see only the end structure and when it all blows over,
he's right back at it again.
for he knows its worth it to have a good house to stay in.
but yet,
as his house gets higher,
and he gets even more tired,
his house is even more exposed to the ails,
and he's in a lesser mood to bother about it.
food for thought eh?
but its worth it for him.=)

/shrugs.
contentment as you know it i guess.
=)

and in the case of a rship,
there are but 2 builders,and only 1 pair of hands.
why one pair??

cuz their other hands are holding each other.
it only takes 1 person to not want to do it,
and the entire structure starts gettin eroded faster then it can be built.
but..................
there's the slow and steady, and there's the fast and hasty.

wad matters is the heart of both the parties, and their love to see them true.

the sun beats down on the chosen plot,
the songbirds lift off in their flocks,
the builder marches forth and claims his land,
with his eyes he sees the work he'll begin.

each brick forged out with loving care,
love and dedication in equal share,
rain and sleet he pays no heed,
through it all he toils over the pit.

the foundations are driven in deep,
stuck in the mud are his feet,
it bogs him down and smells like shit,
he ignores it all and digs in deep.

finally its done and he stops to see,
eventually resting below a tree,
he allows himself a lil rest,
his house has passed the first test.

with a sturdy foundation he strives to build,
a house worthy of the holes he's drilled,
he fills the sides and evens the surface out,
but now appear the grey storm clouds.

the storm comes and he rides it out,
meanwhile his house's swaying like a drunken lout,
would it last he worries furtively about,
its up in the air till the storm runs out.

it clears and he's heartened to observe.
its withstood the test and has still some left in reserve,
"its worth it" he screams and jumps right back in,
piling bricks like a demon's driving him,

soon it takes shapes and its structure's formed,
he can actually hide inside should there be storms,
but still he gets soaked in the rain,
for the roof is the last thing that remains.

eventually he finishes the sides and begins on the roof,
here the winds blow about with howls sounding like wolves,
it sweeps the nails right out of his hands,
its absolute mayhem.

timber by timber he firmly nails down,
the strain is tellin his face in perpertual frown,
there's not even a single person around,
his heartbeat,his tools, the only sounds.

when its finally done,
he stops and stares.
its completed,
his house would withstand the wear and tear.
the storms and rains would never touch him.
safe and snug in his house he'll be,
happily sippin his cup of tea.

/shrugs.

its 1 alr.
/sigh

sucha a sucker.....

2008-03-13T13:55:00.002+08:00

im such a sucka...

for...............

nicely shaped girls in em tight office shirts...............

n em same girls with those hot legs in sundresses

lol.pwned.

eye candy.

2008-03-11T08:13:00.002+08:00

here' a lil eye candy for yu lazy foos.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6Hx6TEqrzHU

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yZp2qpZtfbo&feature=related

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vhgzIM-9lfA&feature=related

there's a double in there sumwhere but i cant remember which so gl.

and /whine.
i wanna be ironman.=(

windsurfing 101.

2008-03-09T18:11:00.007+08:00

in case you pple dun know,

ive gotten my 1 star windsurfing,

and lemme gif you guys brief idea of whats it like.

during my lesson day,

it was gay ass wind,

either too dam strong,

or too dam weak.

so we spent the lesson learning howta balance on a board runnin in line with the waveswhich is n exercise in idiocy.

or so i thought.

so thought processes last week was.

teacher : OKIE,SIMPLE.YOU STAND ON YOUR BOARD,TURN 2 ROUNDS FOR ME AND YOU CAN PULL UP YOUR SAIL AND TRY WINDSURFING.

methinks"aiyah no kick"

/kick

grab board.

board flips over on the end i rested my weight on, i fall into the water and kena boinked on the head.

methinks "(insert long chain of swearing)"

/kicks to surface

methinks "(insert long chain og swearing)wah lan eh the seawater dam salty!"

2nd attempt.

/kick,this time spreading my weight.

this is much more successful, tho i end up scrabbling up the board like a 20 month pregnant crab.

whilst on the board,

turn 180.

me thinks "WAH SEH MAI LAI HOR LIMZ BEIZ GOTZ SKILLZ"

wave hit the board.

methinks"SHIT."

/fall into water.

repeat climbing onto board experience.

on board, now i face the waves.smarter alr mah.so i move when the wave pass.or so i thought.

wave go over.

/turn!!!!!

methinks.shit.now i face this way how the hell am i gonna see the wave.

wave hits.

methinks"SHIT"

tis experience continues for a good hour,everyone falling into the water before the 2nd 360 can be achieved.

finally.

coach: OKAY WIND'S UP!!!YOU ALLL ALLLL ALLLLLLLLL FAILLL BALANCING.NOW GO PULL UP THE SAIL AND GOOG OOOOO

i guess its enuf to say we didnt get much windsurfing done since we were mostly falling into the water.

lol.

however,

this week.

nice wind,nice sun,everythin was juz about as perfect as one could hope for it to be.

1st attempt.

/scrabble up board.

hoist sail into neutral position.

balance.

wind grabs hold of the sail and nearly rips it out my hand.

i turn to giant and shout "SIAO LIAO THE WIND SIBEI HIONG"

/watch giant laugh,forget he's supposed to be balancing,

and falls into the water with a big splash.

i start laughing,

forget im supposed to be balancing,

fall into water myself and the boom comes down rite o top of my head and smacks me silly.

/kick to surface

/swear really loudly.

/turn to giant and i see laffin his head off at me and he starts scolding me for making him laugh n now he cant stop and focus nuf to get on his board.

okie so nvm.

one shall not be daunted despite the magnitude of the task.

so i scrabble on board once more,

bring the boom to neutral position,holding it there..

and slowly start shifting my legs to the move off position,

and then smack the boom into the lift off position....

n............

start inching forward, slowly...

and i remember the words of my coach.

"IF YOU WANNA GO FASTER, BRING THE BOOM TOWARDS YOU TO CATCH THE WHOLE WIND."

and i pull the boom towards me bravely.

now this happens in a micro second.

i pull it into me in 1 motion,

suddenly the force pulling the boom forward quadruples. AT LEAST 4 x.

before i can scream or swear,my board accelerates like a jackrabbit whose balls juz got prodded with a electric prod.

i desperately tryta hang on,

and next thing i know,the wind pulls me ALL THE DAM WAY OFF THE BOARD TOGET WITH MY SAIL.

im not shitting you it lifted my ass.

of course it helped tad the wave motions prob left my CG a lil higher,

BUT SHIT MANG ITS JUZ WIND!!!!

i flew off the dam board.

landed a good distance away from my board.now if i was on land,

the expressions would be "shocked flat on my ass"

but since i was in the middle of the sea, i was "shocked flat on my lifejacket"

well,

enuf with the failures,

so lets gif you the true windsurfing 101 experience.

you climb onto the board,

and ride the waves 1st.

you bring up the 15 kg sail and slowly lift it and let your board straighten out,

and then shift your feet to the move off position.you wait for the wave to hit,quickly balance out and shift the boom forward and into the vertical position and maintain your balance.

you begin to feel your board rushing forward.

swish swish swish it goes,smackin its head on incoming waves as it heads out to sea.

you hang on for dear life till your movements r secure against the wave motion.you then reach and put your other hand on the other end of the boom,and sloooowly,inch it in towards you.

every lil bit you pull in,you feel your board tryin to run from under you.

the wave motion start to get even more hiong,as your board starts going up them at speed and literally flying outta water for that bit of time and landing before mounting the next wave.

finally when you're leaning all the way back,and you're confident,you pull the sail to the full face of the wind.

then you feel the wind on your back,your sail angled forward,your board making surf as it speeds along the surface of the water and you speed out to sea,and you lean all the way back,the sail and its wind taking your full weight,and you really speed,i swear i was up to a good 3 x of my sprinting speed.

that my dear frends.

is windsurfing at its best.

now if i could learn howta turn properly,

i wouldnt hafta keep doing a paddle recovery back to shore.lol.

oh wellz.

2nd lesson only.

i shall improve.

but its the best decision for an outdoor activity ive made in a long time.

/love to giant.

awesome shit.

more to come more to come more to come.

some pictures for jo0 pple.

long weekend.

2008-03-08T18:43:00.002+08:00

since my kid cancelled on me and i got my guitar timings rearranged,this is the longest weeked ive had in a long time.
=)
good 2-3 hours to myself.
to be honest i was supposed to leave home a while back,but yea.
/shrugs.
the best laid plans.
and since im sitting down all dressed up and no where to go,
ive decided to share this article.
its from teh weekend today.

in love and in war.

how do 2 individuals,with all their differences,make it work?

by crispina roberts.

last month,i celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary.well,sort of.
the day started moderately well, i didnt yell at my husband to wake up but nudged him gently instead.we also had a lovely buffet lunch.but by nightfall,we were sulkin over a silly argument.
it got me thinking about what makes a marriage strong ad ahow 2 pple ciwht all their unresolved issues from childhood and adulthood come together everyday and make it stick.
i turned to some reading and chanced upon a Harvard Business Review article about rships.
John Gottman, executive director of the Rship Research Institute, has been studying marriage and divorce for 35 years.His studies are serious stuff, pple are taped,heart monitored,and biofeedback devices attached to their very beings to measure reactions to conflict and intimacy.
this are some of the findings.

Successful couples tryta say yes alot.

this means they look for the positive by saying things like : "thats a good idea, why dun we try it?"
to find out more aout a union, Gottman used a "Paper Tower Tsk" couples are given materials to build a tower in half an hour.
succesful couples bask ech other for ideas.the unhappy ones were negative and someone would say "would you be quiet while i figure it out?"
i pictured myself and my husband doing this and i can see us running into problems. He likes to take the "scenic route" while i need to get things done yesterday.if i had to do "amazing race", he'll be the last person i'll pack.he'll say the same.

once we made the mistak of kayaking in the open sea toget. i gave up halfway and he had to do all the paddling. we yelled at each other and eventually,we juz waited for someone to come and get us. needless to say,this is one activity we've never done since. so we arent the "yes" kinda couple.

there are 4 bad horseman of the apocalypse.
Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Comtempt.

of the 4, contempt is the worst as it leads to disgust, and eventually kills the rship.
now this was a lil troubling for me. for one,i dun know anyone who is not critical of their spouse, not defensive of their own action and stonewalls.
who else can you call names and stew for a few days juz to show o're upset?not your boss,coleagues nor frens.

contempt,however,can be deadly.

there are coupels who dont seem to respect,admire of even like each other.
and that seems real unpleasant to me.
not matter how annoying my husband is, i admire many things about him. his intelligence,his wit,his generosity and the sheer adoration he has for his sons.
i am cheered tad i do not have the most wicked horseman.

the last point is alot of crap so im not gonna type it out nd go str8 to the the summary points.

What makes or breaks a rship.

1) say yes.

successful couples always look for the positive and tryta say yes as often as possible.pple in good rships embrace conflict and work thru them. in troubled partnerships,there are many "no"s.

2)learn to give in.

how accepting a man is of his wife influence is crucial. Men who say to their wives " Gee thats a good point" or "Yea i guess we could do that" are more likely to be in happier unions.

3)laugh it out.

most conflicts are over minor thigns. its how we fight and patch things up tad makes or breaks a rship. using humour, affection,silliness,lust and touch can make profound connections.

4)remember the lov, Part 1.

things that make it stick. show respect and affection for thy partner. pay compliemtns,show interst, listen to their ideas and touch.

5)remember thy love part 2.

things that unravel a union: Criticism,defensiveness,stonewalling and contempt.

to you,if you should read this,lol,we're so far disconnected but oh wells,
there's still so much hope,if this can speak to you,dun let the silly things get you down mang.
despite your own battle,at least he's willing to make the effort still rite?
so no harm rite there man.
but in the end,if its meant to be, its meant to be.
but as i told another close friend before.
if it has to end, dun let it be becuz you didnt try hard enuf.you wunt want to live with the regret and wondering "what if". give everythin you have, and if it doesnt work out,you can always pick the pieces up and rebuild.i'll be here to loan a helping hand.
smile.=)

pretty insightful article for me tbh.
i was readin this on the train and it nearly made me drop my phone which i was msging on.
lol.how do you study marriage.
i wonder if that dude is married himself.

"honey before we start,lets tape this electrodes here..here..here...here...here...there.okie we're ready"
wife screams " I SAID YOU'RE TOO OBSESSED WITH YOUR DAM WORK!!!!!!!!!! YOU JUZ PROVED MY POINT!!!"
/rips off electrodes and castrates husband.
ggnated.

lol
okie imma go get ready and head out.oh wellz.
windsurfing here i come.
=)

and maybe the decision's been made all along,
i juz didnt wanna accept it.

emoz nemoz.

2008-03-07T11:21:00.003+08:00

i've been chattin up to certain pple ive neglected for the longest time.
pple tad came into my life from the weirdest directions.
and somehow the topic always drifts to the person's love life.
lol.
love truly iz all around eh?
and its juz seems to me tad it really is all a matter of time and place.

i read this from someone's blog,

"is love really tad complicated,or is it us human beings that make it so"

i juz dunno.
being really tired makes you really really emo.
sleeping less den 5 hours will day will wear you down eventually.
esp since im on my self inspired project.
heh.and insteada of dropping off to bed the instant i put down the phone everynite like i used to,
i find myself rolling it over and over in my head till i doze off from weariness.
and still no solution
in all honesty to myself,
there prob isnt one,
the only solution would be as time moves on i guess.

___________________________________________________________
okie
lol
lost my train of thought.
shall continue when i get home.
been rushin meetings all round the clock.
10 mins to knock off!!!
_____________________________________________________________

hmm.okie,im too tired to really blog coherently.
still got stuff to do before tmr comes.
imma come back another day.
=P

mourn.

2008-03-06T12:30:00.002+08:00

i was reading my old blog entries.
to think ive been bloggin since may 2003.
tads a good 5 years.
lol.
niwaez.
i realised ive written a whole SHITLOAD of poems.

and wad do i mourn.
i mourn the me tad was a hell lot more happy and carefree.
no wonder pple dun wanna grow up.

lol
mourn happy me.
cheer sad me.

wth irony.

pretty lyrics.

2008-03-06T10:26:00.003+08:00

i was listening to radio.
and this song came on.
hahaha im not sure how many of you are like me,
but i tink a goodly portion of us are guilty of listenin to music but not hearing the lyrics.
buuuuuuuut,
since her first song was pretty decent lyrics wise,
i decided to pay close attention to the words.
and im glad i did.=)
one line really caught my attention.
lets see if any lines speak to you guys as well.

colbie colliat's - realise

Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Oh ooo oh ooo oh
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other

Just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

btw, featured on the song is a really nice harmony,
and i was wondering who the hell was tad,thinkin it was like another no namer like tony tony tony who's been on alicia keys's harmonies so many times with pple thinkin he's usher,
but surprise!!
its james blunt.
no wonder.=)

which line speaks to you?=)

______________________________________________
i woke up really early and went to msia today to talk business,
and on the drive up,
just struck me.
a few posts back i was talkin about the situation ive found myself in once again and how if thru so many different circumstances,
the problem still exists,
then the constant is the problem,
in the immortal words,
once you eliminated the rest,the answer is obvious,
and tad constant is me,
and i do believe my brainwave at 5 in the morning was....
tad i be lookin for something that i shouldnt be lookin for,
not for the next 7-8 years at least.
and with this lies my discontent.

how retarded of oneself pls.
/shrugs.

and then.....
on the way back,
i had a flashback when along the 2nd link.
i looked out at my old training ground,
facing our neighbours,
remembering how we took the v200 for a joyride down the hill and the thrill of sittin in the gunner hatch,with nothing protecting you but a lousy helmet,riding a 7 ton vehicle at 80?90kmh down a hill.
rofl.
and den aft,once we set up our AO,sittin down and talking cock around the messtin fire.
and i remember one of the discussions.

btw,
for all females,
the stereotype is quite true,
guys in ns do really talk about girls alot,
but in this case,
the question was asked.

"to wad extent would you go to do things to make your girls happy"

now tad kinda loaded question,
is the kind you NEVER EVER hope to hear from your girl/wife,
cuz you know no matter wad kinda answer you gif,you're screwed either way.

typical responses your partner'll shoot back.

"i'll do anithin"---no zhi qi.wad a pushover.no kick living with him
"wad i feel is rite"---he still puts himself before me.how to love someone who doesnt put you first.
"i'll climb the mountains to bring ice for her coke if she's hot"---romantic...but not sensible.how to survive the singapore society.

lol.

you get the idea.

but niwae,
as the discussion went on,
i realise one thing.

for those of you who havent watched p.s i love you,
imma spoil a lil bit for you by quoting a line.

"lemme tell you the secret to what women want"
"do tell"
"the secret.....is that women themselves dun know wad they want"

so in all honesty,
there's a bunch of "politically correct" answers available.

emo kid : i'll love her,gif her all she mite want(even tho it changes like a baby's diaper),for her smile is all tad matters to me.

now that is pure bullshit cuz tad's asuming the emo kid doesnt have feelings.
its juz tad he doesnt reckon it's even close to being important to him compared to the way his girl feels.

prac kid : i'll love her, gif her wad i think is practical.i wunt gif into her whims, as she'll juz change her mind an hour later, and sometimes wad's spent cant be recovered.

now thats pure bullshit cuz tads asuming your partner's as practical as you.2 practical pple in a rship is like a boardroom you know?decisions okay?everythin else all screwed up.can you imagine??

"dear lets have sex"
"okay."
"9 oclock can?"
"hmm.is that too soon aft dinner?muz have 2 hour rest before vigorous exercise"
"hmm.10 oclock okay with you?"
"yup that should be fine.lemme jot it down in my diary"
"yup i'll put it in my scheduler also"
"wait is it safe?"
"i think so.*rustling in background as she counts days since last period* eh cant.abit risky."
"you want pill or condom or tampon"
"lets analyse"
"pill 100%,condom 99%,tampon*80++%"
"lets take the highest odds"
"okay later go see doctor"

IT JUST DOESNT WORK.there has to be irrationality in a rship.its like 2 monks gettin married man.pratical as hell,but there sure as hell aint gonna be smiles man.all wise words wont do shit if you aint happy.tranquility aint all as hyped up as it is.and neither is contentment,we're bloody singporean.which singaporean can come to terms with emselves.sheeeeit.

the middle kid : i'll gif in to her sometimes,sumtimes not, but i'll still love her all the time.

now tad's absolute suicidal plot rite there man.
i juz learnt yest that girls DO BITCH a hel lot about their partners.
a small lil girl i was talkin to was like "eh cant,my blog's like pure bitching about my bf"
i was like "WTF?!?!?! wad you complain about sial?girls got complain bout tis kinda shit one meh"
yea go figure.
path of indecision.
i can hear it alr ."he blows hot and cold one,sometimes i dun even know he loves me not.its like he has love swings.and we thought mood swings and pms was bad enuf.his loves swings are like both combined"

5 letters : pwned.

doesnt seem to be the right answer ainit?
lol.
if someone can come up with a safe plan of action tad still shows your girl you love her,
share the word man.
its only decent to help the rest of the male population out.

lets leave my favourite titbit as a parting statement.

"how much can you gif,before you lose yourself and not know where you start, and you the bf begins"

now that shocked em flat on their asses.
lookin at the amount of shit i talk in ns, a proper statement outta me was like looking at a mosque and seeing a swastika insteada of a crescent.

lol.bak to work.

hoot hoot

2008-03-05T22:31:00.002+08:00

there's a line in a song tads pretty much a build up line tad goes to

: i feel like a hero.....blah blah blah blah.

i feel like an stray owl.

hoot hoot.hoot hoot./flap arms.

just that one ding.

2008-02-27T02:37:00.002+08:00

you ever realise at one point in your life.
there's one failing that you can never stop no matter how hard you try?
you keep tellin yourself tad you aint gonna walk the same way,
but in a blink of an eye you're on tad well trodden path once more.
same road,
the situation seems all too familiar.
its gotten to the point you dun even wanna try to blame it on anyone else but yourself for you know that the blame lies solely within you.
and you tell yourself you wanna make it good but it juz aint tickin over.
and you wonder to yourself : wth is going on man.how the f did i end up here again.

its at times like tad you're really forced to look within yourself,
to examine whether all the things you say you hold dear are lies or not.
for all your self righteous values, can you really walk the walk and not talk the talk.

i used to wonder a whole lot why i am the way i am in this aspect.
and i could think of 5 hundred and 50 million spare reasons.
but the true reason lies in mistakes past i guess.
things that make it hard for me to ever ever be able to look at things in a different way.
everythin has its consequences.
back then i didnt think i'll be scarred.
certainly not in this fashion.
back then i was the f-ing shit.
had it all and when it happened i was so sure it'll bounce off me.
well.
truth is tad it did bounce of me.
but it left a chink in the armor.
and like the chain and its weakest link, the hairline crack of a dam,
i guess when the situations presents itself,
suddenly stress is applied and i begin to crumble in this aspect at least.
and the irony of it all,
is that i cant seem to do without it which brings the stress opun the fault line.

well.
thats the price you pay for mistakes made.
i want so badly to be able to not feel the way i do about certain things.
but the naggin feeling juz wunt quit.
and i cant even wonder why.
for as quickly as the thought forms,
its drifts barely outta my skull and immediately turns back witha big ass finger pointing right back at me.
and then again the self depreciating ccle beings once more.

oh wells.
lates.
time to try to head back to sleep again.
and for you mahjong fans out there.

www.viwawa.com.

join and look me up.

i'll prob use iceburnz or d12_iceburnz as my moniker so yea.

lets shuffle tiles together!!!!wheee.

work's been fun i guess.
but infinitely tiring.
ive moved from 1 teh ping being enuf to kep me up the whole day to 2.
its that hard to complete sometimes.

/shrugs.

life goes on.
either i up my own standards or fall behind.
and ive fallen behind too many times alr.
/shrugs.
pwned.

/gush.

2008-02-25T14:06:00.002+08:00

okie this is plain out and out free advertisment but i dun care.

this movie aint even out in sg yet.
but when it is,
i sure as hell am gonna watch it again.

the movie in question?

step up 2 :the streets.

now i know i know,
before alla ya'll start beating on me,
im not exactly the most impartial judge when it comes to this kinda movies cuz im in all honestly the most biased person and as long as its got a lil bit of hip hop + black culture in it,im all for it.
lol.
i cant even remember when all this started.

honey??then the and the countless other nigga dance movies.lol.

but swear to God,
this is really some damn good shit.
anyone who likes black music,street dancing,breaking and is a sucker for the underdog kinda story you gonna love this shit.

serias.
if im still not tired of the movie when the dvd comes out imma go get me a copy.
=P